I am trying so hard to understand myself. My mind seems to wander to another place, all the time. I am here, but at the same time I am not present. I am trying so hard to find an answer to all my prayers. Actually, I am not worrying about anything. I am just, sometimes, tired of waiting for the things that I can't touch. I am just, once in a while, wonder when will my turn ever come to finally be able to experience true love from someone. I am just, simply, trying to tell myself over and over again that past things that happened and past connections that ended are going to lead me to beautiful places. However, I am still here, finding myself crying and hugging my legs; feeling tired because I don't think I deserve to feel all the pain. The pain of losing someone I love, the pain of letting go, the pain of waiting for indefinite time, the pain of being the poet but never the poem. The pain of just love but not loved.
I always wonder how it feels to be truly loved. I think I have learned how to love, but I never get a chance to love somebody. Sometimes, I am surrounded by my loved ones, but still feel lonely. And I am lonely when I am alone in my room. I thought I feel lonely just because I am all alone in my room. But turns out, there's a little girl in me who cries whenever she remembers that she has never been in love before. She has never felt romantic love all her life. She has never felt beautiful in other people's eyes. She has never really gotten any experiences of being pursued by somebody. Her heart has been hurt, disappointed not once, but more than fingers could count. Therefore, she chooses to cry in silence, for in silence, no one could ever know she actually wants love but too scared to ask. This little girl is always trying her best to give love and never ask anything in return. Maybe her time hasn't come yet, and she understands that completely. However, just sometimes, sometimes she wonders; how it feels to have somebody beside her who loves her just the way she is. Somebody who cares about her, somebody who genuinely wants the best for her, somebody who pursues her with patient and love. How nice would it be to be able to meet the love of your life right now. I never understand that feeling. At least for now. That's why all I can do is just wondering and dreaming.
Sometimes, I just live. I am too tired of feeling. being a deep feeler and a sensitive person is not always good, but I know it's a gift. I'm grateful for this trait, because I can understand other people's perspectives and their feelings quite well. I'm blessed by having this kind soul, because I can heal other people's feelings with my comfort words and warm presence. And I have to say that I love healing hearts. It makes me feel alive. Every time someone thanked me for being there for them, it adds more years into my life. I can't be any happier. I am so happy, very happy. But just once in a while, when I sit down at the edge of my bed, I feel like I want to be understood, too. I want to be loved, too. I want to have a human who could hug me when I cry, too. I don't want to wipe my tears with my own hands anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to have a shoulder to cry on. I want to feel secured in the arms of somebody who cares about me. Sometimes, I long for a person; a human connection. And I can't seem to put it into words; how tired I am of wiping my own tears when everything feels so heavy. I just, sometimes, feel like I know too much, feel too deeply, and love too hard.
However, I was born with love, so I will always give love. I choose to love without any expectations to be loved in return. Maybe, maybe because of that, I get hurt often. because my intentions are pure. Because I just know how to love. I love and get hurt, and then I love again and again until I can no longer get hurt anymore. But sometimes, sometimes I want to know how universe works for me. How can I never get pursued? Not even once. And I wonder how it feels to be loved. One person is enough, but I guess it's too much too ask. Right?
Maybe it's true that I'm not from here. Maybe my life mission is just to give love and get love, never love and be loved. Someday I will experience the greatest love, but someday is such a long time. It's in the far future. Just sometimes, I feel tired of waiting for great things and good people to come into my life. And what makes it hard for me; is because I don't know how to give up. I don't want to give up. Even if sometimes it gets hard to breathe, I still hold on to a little hope inside my heart that someday true love will eventually find me at the right time. Maybe not today, but we never know tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, or next month or next year. Therefore, I keep trying my best to live my life with no regrets. I keep trying to always get myself back together whenever I feel sad and tired; telling myself that hard times are not going to be permanent. That one day, everything will make sense. That one day, I can understand why I have to wait for so long. That one day, I know how it feels to be loved wholeheartedly.
Maybe my time has not come yet to experience love story with somebody, maybe I need to wait for a little longer to feel human connection, maybe it takes time for my soulmate to find me, but I believe what I can't see. So even what I don't understand, I believe. I believe that I'm blessed beyond measure to be given more time to prepare myself to be the best version of myself before finally having my lifetime moment with my significant other in the future. Good things take time, so does good person.
I am always grateful for the love I have received from all the people around me. They are one of the main reasons why I'm still here; taking baby steps to where the universe leads me. Being with them truly makes me feel whole, and I hope they feel the love I give for them from the bottom of my heart. I do love being around them, so I hope we can overcome every loneliness and hard time together. I hope they never feel lonely when they're alone or when they're surrounded by people. Because they deserve good things, happiness, and love. I hope life treats them kindly. I will love and cherish every single one of them for as long as I possibly can. Because they are all my treasure and I won't trade my memories with them for anything else. They are love and I hope they know that they are so, very loved.
I'm alive; still waiting, always loving.
Sincerely yours,Senjakala.