Fuck you.

to all the sleepless nights,

to all the morning musings,

to all the painful memories,

fuck you.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You lied.

to all the ending messages,

to all the forced similarities,

to all the sacred promises,

you lied.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I am now death by a million scars.

In the name of all the bullshits you have told me, I hope you choked. In the name of all the comforts you have showed me, I hope you get cursed. In the name of all the love you have never ever really given me, I hope you are dead. Because I am now death by a million scars.

I am no longer your personal cuddle bear anymore, that you can do whatever you want without even bothering to know how I feel. I am that professional game changer who will soon rule the world with thousands of glorious acts. In the name of hell, fuck off, screw you.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Pathetic.

I am sorry for putting such burden on your shoulders. I should have never placed my fragile heart in the hand of a certified liar like you. I cannot believe all the shame you have given me. All the dreams that could never be true, unless I am sleeping. Unless I am crying.

I thought there was something between us. Something invisible called love, meanwhile it was just a breezy wind passing by. As time goes by, you have forgotten about me and we are now just exactly like strangers. I would say, "Hi," and you would answer, "Hello."

Pathetic.

Do not count how many times I have said I thought, because it is true that all of these are just my imaginary love story. It is never real. I cannot touch neither you nor the love. How could I become so brainless that I could not define between the real and the liar? Fuck.

Things change, you said. Yeah, things have changed. Now I know what to do. I will not be waiting any longer in this coldest place of ours. Not ours, mine. I will not be willing to sacrifice any more minute just for you. I will not be looking for the love inside your heart.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

After all these years.

After all these years. After all these years of waiting, you never know how bright my smile was when you told me we could actually see each other again after a long time. I thought December was my month, 2022 was my year, but it was all a lie. They were worst. I hate those moments.

We have hit the end of January already. Where is the promise? Oh, you did not promise me anything. I just have my head held up too high until I thought you did promise to pick me up and show how gentleman you are. Oh, I was wrong, all this time. You lied, all this time.

As I have stated before, I have been waiting to meet The One, all my life. When I meet somebody, I think they are The One, when they actually not. I keep on waiting until now. I keep on praying. I thought you are very different, then I open my eyes, and boom, you are gone.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

How do you know if you fall in love?

Little did I know back then, this is how you do friendship. At first, again, I thought this is how I do friendship as well, but honestly you are different from any man I have met in my whole life. There is this connection that keeps gleaming every time we are together.

"Have you ever fallen in love?" you asked.

Shaking head lightly, I answered, "No."

"Then, how do you know if you fall in love?"

"I think, I kinda can feel sort of connection."

What kind of connection, you want to know? It is the thing about having to say nothing at all, but your partner understands you just right. It is not telepathy, of course, it is an act of understanding, a very loving act that I titled it as the purest act in the world. Honestly, I feel the connection when I am with you.

I thought we would last, when we actually never start anything. You and I are like two different airplanes trying to fly against the tornado with only one wing in our own ways. You and I are just friends that would look for one another when needed, even if you said no for this.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

That is crazy how fast night changes when you have fun, is it not?

Let's bring it back to January first, around eight years ago. The time when you approached me with an intention to be my friend. Well, I thought you were not going to stay long, as almost everyone around me always ends up nowhere to be found, but you were there. You were.

As time flew by, that friend title slowly changed into best friend, unknowingly. We have shared so much, right? Do you remember the sleepless nights we had just to talk about random things? Do you remember the morning musings we had just to remind each other to stay sane?

That is crazy how fast night changes when you have fun, is it not? I have to, at least, be honest with my own feelings that I had so much fun when I was with you. You gave me strength, and when all the things that I thought would be impossible, become possible in the end.

However, this little head of mine thought it was an act of love from you. We have shared our love language to each other, too. Thus, you certainly know that my top love language is words of affirmation, which means you can never play with your words. I will fall.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

To all the bullshits I keep on eating.

Do you think that all I can do is just wait? Yes, it is honestly true. I have been waiting all my life. I have never been able to choose what I want to do in my life. I have to follow thousands of leads until I reach the destination everybody wants me to be. I can wait.

I can wait for as long as you want. Trust me, at first, I thought this journey was worth every chronic pain. I thought you were The One whom really should be in my life. I have sacrificed lots of things, just to be where I am. But, I have not dealt with my feelings yet.

If you wanna know how I am doing right now, just come here, show up in front of me, and you will see how miserable I am, waiting for a nonsense to happen. To all the bullshits I keep on eating all these years, let me just spit them out one by one, so you know you are a jerk.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I have learned the hard way that I might never fall in love again.

No.

Some say, the only thing to see love is to feel it. Let all your senses come to life. Let all your senses intensified. But, once again, you never know, let alone realizing that there is a lie behind the love you received. Who is the dumb one? Are you the one?

We never know the truth, even if we are willing to understand. Unless we have the courage to try. Unless we have the courage to keep on falling in the name of love. Nevertheless, I have come too far, and I have learned the hard way that I might never fall in love again.

How does it feel to be in love?

I do not know. I do not do something called falling in love.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

It is fun, until you get hurt.

It is always funny to think about being in love makes your heart flutter. It feels like a flood of emotions overpowering your senses. There will be love, happiness, fear, nervousness, and satisfaction each time your partner does anything to you or for you.

Love makes you feel thousands of emotions in a single moment. Love makes you feel like you are the center of the universe. The universe of your partner. But, remember, it comes with a price. Hold your breath, because you have to try gambling. It is fun, until you get hurt.

Where is it? The love?

Can you see it? No?

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Being in love is sickening.

You will soon realize that being in love is sickening. The moment you fall in love with the wrong person, all your defensive actions will turn on while your heart goes numb. You will end up crumbling, becoming such an annoying brat for crying every time you try to speak.

The truth about being in love is you need to be ready to let your heart broken, somewhere along the way. You have to be ready for everything that is gonna happen in the future. Whether it is good or bad, something that is meant to happen, will happen.

Just like how we all know that two people who are meant to be together, will end up together, eventually.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Being in love is frightening.

The thing about being in love is that you feel like someone cares about you, someone knows you more than you do. Whether or not they love you right, you just feel like the air turns pink as your cheeks suddenly become the color of scarlet everytime you think about them.

Let me tell you, it is not something to be proud of. Being in love is frightening. Imagine putting your trust on someone's shoulder when that someone could brush you off in one single blow. Imagine having the situation where you heard that they have found someone new.

Where is the guarantee that would protect the heart you have shared?

There is no such warranty for love.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

All I can do is say nothing.

I will never ask for more;

none of this ever makes sense,

thus let us just keep a distance.

All the nonsense possibilities;

let me just keep it safe all my life,

because all I can do is say nothing.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Where is the answer?

Thank you;

for the memorable pillowtalk,

for the softest hands of yours,

for the listening ears you lend,

for the song we failed to sing,

so where is the answer?

NOTHING.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Where is the lie?

You never around;

when I was left all alone here,

when I tried calling your name,

when I got mistreated by love,

when I needed no one but you,

so where is the lie?

NOTHING.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Where is the love?

You saved me;

when I became messy,

when I was hurt badly,

when I crumbled apart,

when I broken hearted,

so where is the love?

NOTHING.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

We are already that lovers.

Look at me right in the eye,

and say that you are mine.

No longer being strangers,

we are already that lovers.

It is not only in my dreams,

I hope you feel the pink air.

NOTHING.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Where is your forever?

Where is your forever?

It is with me, is it not?

Where is your darling?

It is me, right, is it not?

Where is your home?

It is me, only me, true?

NOTHING.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

How I hope you know I'd die for you.

Are you gonna lay with me?

Are you gonna cry with me?

Are you gonna be with me?

How I hope all of these questions;

are not just ringing inside my head.

How I hope you know I'd die for you.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

We all need to deal with loneliness.

I will not let this loneliness;

consumes me and makes me

feel weak, wasted, unworthy.

Well, see, it is true that in the end;

we all need to always fix ourselves,

we all need to deal with loneliness.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Fall seven, stand up eight.

I insisted to make you say;

three words, eight letters.

Say it, and I am all yours.

Meanwhile you make me;

fall seven, stand up eight.

This is the actual goodbye.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

For my fragile crestfallen soul.

Never gonna blame you;

for this monochrome universe,

and so this chronic loneliness.

I am surely gonna let you pay;

for my skeletons that shiver,

for my fragile crestfallen soul.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Your hands never fit in mine.

No.

The loneliness that you give me

exactly tells how you gonna leave.

Yes.

We finally meet our dead-end,

your hands never fit in mine.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Can you just look at me?

Can you just look at me?

Can you just listen to me?

Can you say it just right;

that you promise to be here,

that you will never leave me,

that you love me for who I am.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I keep on failing to make you stay.

Do I need to keep asking;

how far you decide to go?

how long you want to play?

It is scary that I keep on

failing to make you stay.

I am scared to death.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I reside in your heart.

I reside in your heart,

so do not replace me.

I promise to do better.

Through ups and downs,

I will be there to light up

your paths and journeys.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I hope you put me back.

It is not that I neglect your

red signals which are shown

all over your charming face,

it is just—I hope you put me

back in the place where I

should have stayed all along.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You were there, but not anymore.

Those are the facts

that keep me going 

towards your heart.

Even so, I fall over and over again;

just to break myself into pieces.

You were there, but not anymore.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I keep intentionally falling.

I should have spoken the truth;

this feeling I keep for a long time,

how comfortable I am with you.

No matter how hard I try;

I keep intentionally falling

to the sound of your voice.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

True, I was shivering all the time.

Truthfully I have told myself;

that this would never work out,

that we could not be together.

True, I was shivering all the time;

imagining the idea of losing you.

Have I not told you that? I asked.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

As if I was erased and you forgot me.

I have been thinking a lot these days,

all the how are you and sleep tight

still ringing loudly inside my head.

As if I was erased and you forgot me,

not a single strands of words arrived.

Where did it all go so wrong? I asked.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.