What would feel really good to be honest about?

What would feel really good to be honest about?

That I will stay by his side for as long as I can. No matter what it takes, no matter how long it takes, I'll try my best to always be there for him. I'll be the brightest light to his darkest days, in hopes that I can give him long hugs when we meet; telling him I'm proud of him.

Dear you, knowing you has brought me so much joy and happiness. This year I've collected my minds and thoughts, thinking that maybe love is not meant for me yet. Thus, I bring myself to work harder to reach my dream, to be a better person, and to be someone I can be proud of.

But suddenly you came; making me feel seen, appreciated, and loved. That's more than just a reason to fight for us. You put my happiness first more than yours. You care when no one does. You respect me for who I am and want others to do the same. You, you are very special to me.

You make me so happy I could cry. Through all the conversations we had, I know for sure that you try to love me right by making sure I feel safe and comfortable with you, and that's something I would't dare to ask for in any other men. You are different. You are important to me.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

There is no reason to believe that love cannot find you.

Don't worry so much about love.

Don't worry so much about who's going to love you, or how they're going to love you, or when you're going to find love.

Love is the most infinite and effortless presence in this world. It's found in the tiny crevices of human nature; in the way flowers bloom and in the way birds always have enough food to eat. It's found in hospital rooms, and grocery stores, in home cooked meals, and in the smiles of passing stangers. Love is the music you listen to, and in the jokes you make, and it's in the way you always return home for the holidays. Love is "are you okay?" and "did you get enough sleep?" and "I am proud of you" and "I hope you sleep well tonight."

Love is the way your heart beats every day, and how your body wakes up every morning, and how your soul continues to exist so freely

You don't need to worry about love. It is all around you, every day, in every moment. It can reach you at your best and it will meet you at your worst. There is no force in this world stronger than love.

There is no reason to believe that love cannot find you.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

How to know someone is here to stay.

How to know someone is here to stay:

You don't. There is no test, there is no gauge, and there is no formula that can predict whether someone stays in your life forever. You can look and see if your zodiac signs are compatible, you can compare love languages, you can sign marriage licenses and say your vows in front of a hundred people. You can get matching tattoos, you can cross pinkies, you can make pact after pact after pact, but none of this can truly guarantee that a relationship will last.

But you can hope it does. You can hope they stay. You can hope you want to stick around, too. Because if you really think about it, love is simply a commitment to continue hoping. To continue doing your best. To continue forgiving. To continue laughing. To continue staying. So yes, nothing is certain, and sometimes this fact aches. But forever shouldn't be the goal in loving anyway. It should just be to love. And to hope.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

It's your duty to choose yourself.

I am a firm believer in choosing yourself when faced with any kind of rejection. I am a firm believer that some moments require you to walk away and choose yourself first or save your pride or put your foot down when someone is unfairly attacking you or mistreating you, but the truth is choosing yourself is not an easy task. It's not an easy job and it's not something you master overnight.

Choosing yourself requires discipline. You have to commit to your word, to your decision, to your choice even in your weakest moments. You can't call someone who hurt you even if you miss them. You can't ask someone who betrayed you for help. You can't work for someone who doesn't respect you. You can't befriend someone who thinks you're not good enough and the list goes on. The truth is choosing yourself is often a very dark and lonely road, and that's why not everyone takes that drive.

Because choosing yourself doesn't mean going to spas, traveling the world, and buying yourself fancy things. It doesn't mean working out and eating healthy and looking polished all the time, these are just the icing on top of the cake, but the real work is in the batter. It's in what it takes every day for you to become that person. It's resisting the temptations, the emotions, the loneliness and the urge to fall back and chase whatever you're supposed to stay away from. It's saying no when you want to say yes. It's letting go of things and people you truly need. It's seeing people you miss but not saying a word. It's staying in your lane when everyone else is making a U-turn.

When you meet someone else who appreciates you and chooses you the way you choose yourself, when you finally find the right job with a boss and colleagues who value you and your work, when you make new likeminded friends who don't belittle you or hold your weaknesses against you, and when you truly feel alive and content with who you are. When you look back and realize that the person you are now is worth all the things and relationships you sacrificed, and when you realize that all the boundaries you set protected you from ruining your own life.

Your time is precious, and it's your duty to make sure you don't waste it on the wrong people or the wrong places. It's your duty to choose yourself because if you wait for people to choose you, you will be waiting a very long time and you may never get chosen.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You just have to know that you deserve better.

You don't deserve to be with someone who has a lot more offer and a lot more to give but is choosing to hold back with you. You don't have to change anyone or convince anyone of your worth either, you just have to know that you deserve better. Throw in the towel and leave with your head held high.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You don't deserve someone who makes you feel unloved.

Too many good hearts fall for that kind of people. Too many strong ones end up with people who use them. Too many loyal people get taken advantage of by someone who's unsure or still paying the field, but just because so many people are okay with it doesn't mean you have to accept it. You don't deserve to be someone's rebound. You shouldn't stay with someone knowing that they're thinking about someone else, and you definitely shouldn't stay hoping that you can make them forget. It's not your job, it never was and it never will be.

If this is what it comes down to, being with someone who treats you like a backup plan or being alone. Be alone. Be alone because the pain of being alone is a lot easier to handle than the pain of being with someone who doesn't see you, who neglects you, who doesn't care about you, who doesn't pay attention to your wants or needs and who doesn't understand when you're hurting or when you're upset. You don't deserve someone who makes you feel unloved. You don't deserve someone who is sometimes consistent, sometimes sweet, sometimes attentive, and the other times absent.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You don't deserve to be someone's backup plan.

You didn't grow up watching all those romantic movies, living all those childhood fantasies, and writing all those songs and poems for your imaginary lover only to end up being someone's backup plan or second choice. You didn't get your heart broken way too many times only to end up being an option. You didn't move on from your past lovers and lost all these tears or fought your innermost desires and temptations only to end up with someone who doesn't make you feel loved or wanted. You didn't spend all these years learning to love yourself and make it on your own so you can end up with someone who doesn't choose you or make you a priority.

You don't deserve to be someone's backup plan no matter how much you love them or how much they mean to you. You don't deserve to be loved occasionally or be with someone who's only available when they want to be. It doesn't matter how much work you still need to do to become a better person, it doesn't matter how bad your previous experiences were, and it doesn't matter how great you think this person is, you don't deserve to be with someone who neglects you and convinces you that it's normal.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You have to be the bigger person.

You have to be the bigger person.

Learning how to be the bigger person was the way most of us were raised, but truthfully, it can be extremely toxic in some situations and with some people who cross the line and poison our lives. Being the bigger person doesn't work with everyone because we are better off without some people in our lives. Cutting ties with friends or partners who constantly disrespect you or bring constant drama and problems into your life is the only healthy thing to do, and being the bigger person in these situations will only draw in more toxicity and more unfavorable circumstances. It's important to be empathetic, kind, and forgiving in some cases, but you have to draw the line and set boundaries with people who don't have any or people who only make your life more difficult.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You can't quit.

You can't quit.

We live in a society that judges quitters negatively. We're always bombarded with motivational messages like "don't quit now, don't be a quitter, quitting is for losers ... etc." But sometimes quitting is the best and only option for you. I'm not saying don't fight hard for what you want and what you love, but when you no longer have the energy or the motivation or the desire to keep going, when whatever it is you're committed to is making it hard to wake up every morning and feel good about your life or yourself, it's okay to quit. It's okay to quit the job that makes you miserable. It's okay to quit that relationship that's been hurting you. It's okay to quit living in a city that sucks the life out of you. Depending on your situation, sometimes staying is more toxic than quitting.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You have to struggle to get what you want.

You have to struggle to get what you want.

This is something we were all programmed to believe, statements like "no pain, no gain" or "life is unfair" keep us stuck in struggle mode. This belief may sound good at first but the reality of it is toxic, because anything that comes easy to us makes us feel like we don't deserve it because we didn't work hard for it. This mentality stops us from dreaming big or following our hearts or our passion because we are conditioned to believe that we have to work hard and struggle to earn the life we want, and we often feel guilty if we are living a less busy or stressful life than our peers, so we try to fill our time with things that don't excite us just so we can go back home at the end of the day and feel productive. It's not a one size fits all for everyone, and if you are happy with the way your life is, even if you don't work too hard or you're not always swamped with things to do, then that's all that matters. How others view your life is not your problem. We need to start believing that good things can be easy and struggle free, and our dreams can be achieved without pain or struggle.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Everyone leaves me.

Everyone leaves me.

Another common toxic mindset is the belief that everyone will eventually leave you, and that develops from childhood abandonment issues or losing someone dear to you at a very young age. You start building walls to protect your heart and eventually reenact the scenario that the people you love will leave you and you'll end up alone, so you sometimes sabotage your own relationships. This is more evident in romantic relationships where one partner is always in a defensive mindset operating from a lack of trust and always feeling neglected and abandoned by their partner. To heal your abandonment issues, you must first get to the root of how it all started and which parts of it are you carrying into your relationships. Are you triggered because your partner did something offensive or are you triggered because this behavior reminds you of an old wound that you still need to tend to? Self-awareness and introspection in your own relationships are crucial to start healing your abandonment issues and getting rid of the beliefs that everyone will eventually leave you or things will always end badly. Your relationships can end for many reasons, but it makes all the difference when you look back and know that you gave it your all and you didn't let your own limiting beliefs or insecurities define that relationship or determine where it goes.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You are not good enough.

You are not good enough.

One of the most common toxic mindsets is the belief that we are not good enough for something, whether it's a certain university or a job or a relationship, because at some point in our lives we wanted something so badly and we didn't get it or it went to someone else, thus it became second nature to fear not getting something we want because we don't want to feel that kind of pain again, so we don't even try. The truth is, we may not be qualified enough for a job we want and we may not be the right person for someone we want, but that doesn't mean we are not good enough. It just means that some things are meant to be ours or for us, and it also means that we still have some work to do on our own before we can truly be ready for some experiences. The key here is not to let that mindset paralyze you from trying, and you have to feel worthy and deserving of whatever you want, even if you don't get it. In order to change the pattern, you have to change your mindset, even if the outcome is not the one you want. It's all about what's happening on the inside, not what's happening on the outside.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Toxic mindsets.

Toxic mindsets are beliefs about our lives or ourselves that we develop from unfavorable circumstances, traumas, unresolved childhood issues, and failure. We start developing these mindsets and they grow with us if we don't treat them right away. They have the power to ruin our lives or hold us back from living the life we want or achieving our goals.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You learn how to be a good mother.

You learn how to be a good mother. You've been raised by a mother who showed you how to truly take care of a family, who showed you that hard work pays off, who showed you that you can love someone unconditionally. She showed you how to be protective, loving, kind, compassionate, strong, and resilient. She was leading by example, and whether you know it or not, you are following in her footsteps one step at a time.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You learn that she still knows more about love than you do.

You learn that she still knows more about love than you do. Even when you are generations apart, even if you are not fond of her love choices, if she doesn't approve of someone, you better listen to her. She knows what she is saying. Moreover, she doesn't want to see you get heartbroken. As much as I hate to admit it, she got it right every time.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You learn how to create your own happiness.

You learn how to create your own happiness. You can find happiness in a difficult life. You can still be happy even if you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. My mother taught me that I can always find something to smile about. All I have to do is look closer.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You learn the importance of patience and faith.

You learn the importance of patience and faith. You learn that God is looking out for you and your struggles, that everything will be okay in the end. Storms will pass and tomorrow is a new day. You learn to be patient with life; patient with timing, patient with success, and patient with problems. You learn that patience is strength.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You learn never to look back.

You learn never to look back. You learn to let all the what ifs and could have beens go. You learn not to look back and wonder why life turned upside down. You just keep looking forward and let the past redeem itself. You learn that everything that happened got you to where you belong even if it is nothing you ever wished for.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You learn that it's not easy being a woman.

You learn that it's not easy being a woman. You learn that your opinion will be discounted, that you will be taken lightly when you're being serious, but you will also learn that you can stand out in a crowd and force everyone to listen to your voice and accept your ideas. You learn that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You learn that you can be both strong and soft.

You learn that you can be both strong and soft. Strong mothers are usually very sensitive; they just hide it better, but you saw your mother silently cry over your pain, or stay up all night taking care of you when you were sick, or the nights she couldn't sleep because something was troubling you. The way she hugs you when you are down shows unmatched compassion and tenderness, and sometimes in a quiet corner you saw her shed a few tears.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You learn how to love yourself.

You learn how to love yourself. You learn how to walk away from the things that are not meant for you. You learn how to keep going even when the whole world is against you, and you learn how to believe in yourself when everyone is doubting you. You learn that bad grades, heart breaks, and failures don't define you because what defines you is how you bounce back from all the setbacks and how hard you fight for the life you want.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You learn the meaning of unconditional love.

You learn the meaning of unconditional love. You saw your mother sacrifice her time, health and youth for you and your siblings, yet she never complained or gloated about how much she is suffering or how much she is doing. She always had a smile on her face and was happily giving more and more of herself. She taught you what selfless and unconditional love looks like, and you know you won't be able to find that love anywhere else.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You pretty much learn how to be super woman.

You learn the value of independence. You don't need a man to save you or anyone to take care of you. You learn by example that you are capable of living a full and happy life without having to share it with someone else. You learn that you can build a home, raise kids, cook, and do the dishes all while having a thriving career. You pretty much learn how to be super woman.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You deserve to find someone who never gets enough of you.

You deserve to find someone who never gets enough of you; and reminds you that there is no such thing as loving too much because they're willing to love you just as much, and maybe more.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You deserve to remember everything you knew about love.

You deserve to remember everything you knew about love; before you fell in love with those who made you forget. You deserve to remember that you were never the problem, that you've always been too much for the wrong ones.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You deserve someone who's afraid of losing you.

You deserve to remember what it feels like to be with someone who's afraid of losing you. Someone who does their best to make sure that you'll always remain in their life because it would be incomplete without you.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You deserve someone who's terrified of losing you.

You deserve to fall in love with someone who doesn't want to break your heart or play with it. You deserve someone who can remind you that love is not a game, that everyone who ever played you was the real loser. You deserve someone who's terrified of losing you.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You deserve to remember how special you really are.

You deserve to remember how special you really are; and always have been before you loved people who made you feel like you're ordinary. 

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You deserve to have the love you always dreamed of.

You deserve to have the love you always dreamed of. The kind of love that makes you want to be a better person. The kind of love that makes you happy and the kind of love that makes you feel safe because you got used to loving the ones who only introduced you to danger and heartbreak.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You deserve to remember everything you forgot about love.

You deserve to remember everything you forgot about love. You deserve someone who doesn't get tired of reminding you what you mean to them and what they'd do for you.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You deserve to remember how it feels to be loved.

You deserve to remember how it feels to be loved and be truly cared for. You deserve to be with someone who makes you forget about every ignored message, every unanswered call, and every person who couldn't love you.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You deserve to be loved for who you are.

You deserve to be loved for who you are. With your flaws, with your quirks, with your imperfections. You deserve to be with someone who doesn't make you afraid of being yourself. You deserve to be with someone who sees all the parts of you and chooses to love them and chooses to stay.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You deserve to wake up to beautiful messages every morning.

You deserve to wake up to beautiful messages every morning. Messages that are heartfelt and genuine. Messages that only someone who truly knows you can send and messages that let you know that you're the first person on someone's mind each and every day.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I always see my life as a big puzzle that I am trying to piece together.

I always see my life as a big puzzle that I am trying to piece together. Except that the puzzle picture expands as I am putting it together because I am also growing so much at the same time. And I find myself having more and more pieces that I gotta put together. And sometimes the pieces stop fitting because I've outgrown them so I need to eliminate pieces that no longer fit. And that whole routine of putting pieces together and eliminating pieces at the same time in an ever-growing puzzle is my life.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

7 things I'd tell my younger self.

7 things I'd tell my younger self:

1. Travel alone. It's easier than you think.

2. Tell people how you feel. It will save you a lot of time.

3. Make mistakes. You're not going to regret most of them.

4. Sadness isn't forever.

5. Overthinking is not a waste of time. That's how you figure things out.

6. Listen more to yourself. Most people don't have the answers.

7. Be nice to people. It will come back to you.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

9 things I've learned in June.

9 things I've learned in June:

1. If you're unhappy, it's not worth it.

2. Stop waiting for others to be ready to live the life that you want. Do what you want to do, the rest will follow.

3. It's easy to want something you don't have. But when you have something and still want it, that's when you know it's real.

4. People will tell you all sorts of things. None of it will mean anything if they don't get it done.

5. If you know what's good for you, do that. It is as simple as that.

6. Stop going back to an experience you've already concluded isn't for you. "This time" won't be any different. Move on.

7. It's better to have things suck for awhile as you seek improvement, than to be stuck in a situation you don't want to be in anymore.

8. Have long conversations with people. You will look back and realize that some people make you feel good, and some you don't care at all. stay close to the people who make you feel good.

9. Not everything has to be super serious all the time. Have fun with your life before it's over.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

9 lessons you need to unlearn.

9 lessons you need to unlearn:

1. Unlearn the need to be good at everything you do. It is okay to suck at the things you enjoy.

2. Unlearn following the majority for answers. Most people don't know what they are doing anyway.

3. Unlearn having to be productive all the time. Your life is not a to-do list.

4. Unlearn being someone you're not. Other people's expectations of you is not your responsibility.

5. Unlearn the need to get along with everyone. You don't need a lot of friends, just a few right ones will do.

6. Unlearn doing everything yourself. Life is easier when you ask for help.

7. Unlearn having to win every argument. Lose the fight, not the relationship.

8. Unlearn trying to control everything. The best things happen when you least expect it.

9. Unlearn the need to be happy all the time. We all have sad days and it is equally important to take time to grieve.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

9 things I've learned after I let go.

9 things I've learned after I let go:

1. Things will suck immediately after. That's okay. It will take time for new things to enter your life.

2. A part of you will miss the old life. That feeling will fade when you find better things to surround yourself with.

3. You can't force things to stay. Enjoy the memories. Be glad that it happened, but you can't dwell on it.

4. Choose yourself first. If letting go helps you find your way back to yourself, it is worth it.

5. Letting go will help you to find peace. You've been carrying all this dead weight for so long. You don't need them anymore. Let yourself be free.

6. It will hurt for awhile, but you will be happier in the future. If you never let go, it will hurt forever.

7. If it's meant to be, it will come back. Sometimes people have to grow apart for awhile before they can grow together again.

8. Most of the fear is really just in your head. Once you let go, you will be able to see things for what they really are, and it's never as scary as you think.

9. It's already over. Stop holding on to what isn't there anymore.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

3 things to leave behind.

3 things to leave behind:

1. Leave behind situations you have outgrown. This is a natural process. If you force yourself to stay, you will end up feeling stuck.

2. Leave behind connections you no longer align with. People want different things and people grow apart in the process of seeking those things. Find the ones that align with you.

3. Leave behind energy that you do not want to reciprocate. Stop giving your energy to things that make you feel like shit.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

3 things life taught me.

3 things life taught me:

1. You are responsible for your own life. Whatever you want, you will have to work for it.

2. Money is not everything, but you will need to have enough to do what you want to do.

3. Try your best to be nice to everyone, but never let anyone take advantage of you.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

7 things I am thankful for.

7 things I am thankful for:

1. I am thankful for the people who showed me love when I wasn't very good at loving myself. Them accepting me was the start of me accepting myself.

2. I am thankful for the people who helped and taught me things when they didn't have anything to gain. They taught me graciousness and I would never have grown as much as I did without them.

3. I am thankful for the online community I have. People I do not know but are so supportive and encouraging. They accept me for me and what I have to say.

4. I am thankful for all the people I have met in my journey of self-discovery and self-love. People who showed me that I wasn't alone in my journey of wanting to leave. They inspired me to keep going.

5. I am thankful for all the opportunities I can see ahead of me. I know it can change my life if I could just follow through with it.

6. I am thankful that I am still alive, and I still have a long path ahead to move forward in.

7. I am thankful that the idea of the future still excites me. It gives me motivation every day to keep going.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Here's a quick check-in for June.

Here's a quick check-in for June:

1. We are now in the 6th month of the year. We said we would make 2023 a great year. Keep sticking through the things you said you would do. Don't fall off.

2. Stop trying to please other people. Work on your own priorities first. You can still be nice when you finish your to-do's and have some extra time.

3. Nothing is going to change if you sit around and wait. Get your ass up.

4. It's okay if you fall off sometimes. We are not perfect. Stop dwelling in the past. Now get back up.

5. Put away your phone. Stop picking up the next distraction. Go sit on your couch. Literally just for 10 minutes. Now think about where you are in life and where you want to be. Think about what you're doing and where you will be if you keep repeating what you are doing. What do you need? Do you need change or do you need consistency?

6. Do what is best for you and do your best at what you do. Repeat this in your head over and over again.

7. June is the 6th month of the year. We are on a mission to make 2023 a great year. Don't fall off.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

How to get better at something.

How to get better at something:

1. Embrace the fact that you are not good at the thing you want to be good at. Or at least, not yet.

2. Everyone starts from 0. To be good at something, you first need to start. And right here is a good place to start.

3. Stop comparing yourself to someone else's process. Maybe they are better than you. Maybe they are not. It literally does not matter. This race is yours and yours alone.

4. Start. But this time, actually start.

5. Keep doing what you know you gotta do. Keep doing what you know you gotta do. Keep doing what you know you gotta do.

6. Intensity is not important. Being good at something does not mean going from 0 to 100 very quickly.

7. Consistency is important. It does not matter how little or how much you do. It matters that you do it every day, or as often as you can.

8. The most important days are the days where you don't feel like doing it. It is easy to do something when you feel like doing it, but the days where you don't want to, and still do it because you know you need to, are the days that change everything. If you can still move forward even when everything around is holding you back, you will be unstoppable.

9. Keep doing what you know you gotta do.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I was a child when I wanted to leave.

I was a child when I wanted to leave. I always wanted to live anywhere in the world. I just wanted to get out of here.

Fifteen year old me couldn't do shit, didn't know shit. All I knew was that I didn't want to spend my life in this box. There is a big world out there and I want to see it.

The process feels like a long time when your day to day looks the same. Someday I will make it out. Life is not meant to be lived in one place.

Time takes time, and it's funny when I think about it sometimes how that one little idea you had when you were a kid becomes a part of you when you grow up permanently.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

We learn the best when we fuck up.

One thing I've noticed most older people don't realize is that it took them quite a few fuck ups before they knew better and learned how to be wise. But yet when they talk to someone younger, they say it in a way like listen to me because I know better than you.

Guidance. Not instructions. 

We learn the best when we fuck up. Allow younger people to fail, too. Life is not perfect. 

Support them. Guide them.

Don't force your wisdom down their throats.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

The conversations you have with the right people.

There are some things in life so beautiful that you can do over and over again without ever getting sick of it. Like that cup of coffee, you drink every morning without fail, or how fascinating it feels every time you see the sky turn into pretty colors, or the conversations you have with the right people. The people you can talk to about anything at any time and you just never seem to run out of things to talk about.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I know this sounds fake.

I know this sounds fake, but your life really can be whatever the heck you want it to be. It starts from eliminating the things you've been repeating but you don't even care about it anymore. Eliminate people you no longer want to hang out with. Eliminate eating foods that make you feel like shit after. Eliminate that job you've been wanting to quit for months. Start doing things that you've never done before. Otherwise, your life will never change. Try out your idea of making art and selling it on the internet. Book that flight ticket to the place you've always wanted to visit. Move to a new city. Sign up for a course. Reach out to that person you like, but talked yourself out of saying hi. It's all an accumulation of not doing the things you dislike and doing more little things that makes you excited. If you keep doing that, your life will slowly become what you want.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

This is the mistake you're making.

This is the mistake you're making. You're focusing too much on your backup plan and too little on what actually makes you happy. You're letting the opinion of others dictate your life when they are just supposed to be mere guidelines. You're giving in to your irrational fears. Things you know are simply not as scary as they seem, if you would just give yourself some time to think deeply and process them. At the end of the day, you've got one life. You can either spend it telling yourself to wait a little longer before you try out the things you have in mind, or you can actually go out and do your best to live it.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

On a search to find out what existing means.

People are too caught up with other people's problems, and too little attention spent on what gives them fulfillment.

If something inspires you, you would immediately know and you wouldn't have to tell yourself that. When you have to convince yourself that this is what you want, then you definitely know it's not what you actually want.

On a search to find out what existing means, it seems to me that there is no bigger purpose than simply enjoying the moment you're in.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Nothing makes sense and nothing has to.

Writing little pieces of notes helps to keep my sanity. 

Going through cycles of the people you love and the ones that love you, mismatched. It is the hardest thing to let go until you find the next thing that excites you, and in the end you finally can forget all about it.

I've been around the world and back, and it's funny how simplicity is still what I yearn for the most. Nothing makes sense and nothing has to, if you stop adding questions to your existence.

It is when you are most vulnerable that you learn everything about yourself. Too many people I know has found fake meaning, preaching about the lessons they learned while they avoid all the difficult questions.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

At least I'm no longer disappointed.

I remember the day I realized that I don't need anyone. I have myself and that is enough for me to make all the good I want happen for myself.

Disappointments come from expectations. I wondered for a long time if I was asking for too much, although the thought of that felt comical for someone who lived their entire life feeling like everything was missing.

The day I realized I don't need anyone, I exchanged disappointments for loneliness. I chased after what I want and achieved it all alone with no one to celebrate with.

But hey, at least I'm no longer disappointed.

I know life isn't meant for you to do it all on your own, but let me bask in it a little longer. I'd still very much rather take in this emptiness than have to ache anymore.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

There is always hope.

There is always hope. 

You just gotta find an opening 

that lets in enough light to see it.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I'm sitting in this odd in between of being loved and being broken.

You gotta be able to let yourself go.

People used to tell me that, and I think about it over the years that I have let it all go. I didn't get what I thought would come, but I did learn about all the parts and all the pieces. Now I tear myself down for fun so I could put it back together, and I'm not afraid of being broken anymore.

I'm sitting in this odd in between of being loved and being broken. If you sit in it long enough, you start to notice that there is a strange silence. I think what it means is peace; a nonchalant melancholic peace.

I don't want what I used to want anymore. I used to hold myself back; because I was afraid of growing too much, because outgrowing the people I love would mean that our path would stop aligning and in return I would love them less.

... but I've come to learn that the people you love never love you back and the ones that love you aren't really quite the same.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I remember being hurt for a long time.

I remember being hurt for a long time. Hoping for love to fill up those gaps until I realized that the people you love never love you back, and the ones that love you aren't really quite the same. I think I've given love enough tries to now know that I want it, but I don't need it. I used to hope for it even when I'm not seeking it. But nowadays, I think I've completely abolished it.

I remember all the times I've looked at someone and know that they love me, but deep down I feel nothing. I still don't know what it means.

I've filled up my lack of love with ambition and power. I know that one day I will have everything, except my deepest desires, and I don't know how to feel about that.

I used to be afraid of being alone, but now it doesn't bother me. I used to question everything, but now I know too much. You know you've seen enough when the hurt from different people starts to feel relatively the same.

I spent my whole life being disappointed by everyone around me, but mostly myself. I used to believe that I was sad and I think I really did grew up being sad. But sadness is subjective, it's mostly just peace to me now.

I think I finally figured out how to breathe within it.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

See, life has become too easy.

Life has become too easy and I am overwhelmed by the sheer possibilities of it. Things used to take me a year to complete. Nowadays I just need 2 weeks with sufficient motivation and the right amount of angst, I could get anything I want done.

I spend more time disassociated than I do trying to exist. Survival isn't really an issue anymore. When I have a problem, I just look at it and somehow that makes it smaller.

I try to wake up early and I do things that are good for me. I hope one day some of these things can make me happy. My highlight reels consist only of the little things. The best things don't mean anything, but they mean everything.

I am astonished at how most of my problems disappeared when I lost interest in it. Frankly speaking, I don't think there are many things nowadays I am interested in. I have never been more stimulated and I have never been more bored. I wonder what it says about your life. All you do is go from one distraction to another.

Never fulfilling.

Always moving.

I was lost before and I still am, except nowadays I don't really care about being found anymore.

Cheap rolling paper and permanent marker, I write messages to myself before I burn it to a crisp. Most days my mind is where I live in. The only color I think about is orange.

See, life has become too easy. I'm not supposed to have lived this much in my twenties. You could tell me to take things slower, but I never cared much for advices other than myself's.

Someday this will be a full circle moment, but for now this game is still addictive to me.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

As I got older, I realize I don't really panic anymore.

As I got older, I realize I don't really panic anymore.

I don't know if it's growth or just the increasing harshness of life I've had to deal with; and after awhile it kinda numbs you down and you just stop being affected by things, or maybe it's me finally finding peace amidst the chaos.

Well, there is a thin line between peace and disassociation. I honestly can't tell you which side I am on. Things don't really freak me out anymore. The bigger the dreams, the scarier they can be. They are ready to crumble down anytime, but I know they all eventually will come true if I set my mind to it.

Bad things, they happen all the same. Panicking doesn't change a thing, so I let them fuck me up. However, they choose to be and I know that I will get over it. Just like I always do.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

And you keep waiting for the next one to come along.

There is an abundance of opportunities, but you can't see it because you are too busy looking for something that doesn't exist. There is an abundance of opportunities so many to choose from.

You ask yourself, "Which are the ones guaranteed to work out?"

"You are not looking for much," you say. "All you want is something that can make you rich, successful, doesn't take much, and guaranteed to work."

What will it be?

There is an idea. You like the sound of it, but it's not perfect. Not good enough, so you keep waiting for the next one to come along.

... and you keep waiting for the next one to come along.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

The validation you are looking for only exists within yourself.

The validation you are looking for only exists within yourself, but you are searching for it from someone else. You don't know them and they don't know you. Why are you so concerned with what they think about you?

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You never know how far you can go until you give it a go.

You never know how far you can go until you give it a go.

People are not going to have the answers for you. No one knows yourself better than you do. You won't get it right on your first try, but it will get you there.

This is your shot in life.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

If I don't attract, I don't want it.

I've spent a long time waiting for people. I won't do that anymore. I won't wait for anyone anymore.

I've stopped seeking. I've stopped craving. I've lost interest in being excited, only to end up being disappointed every time. I'm over it. If I don't attract, I don't want it.

I've filled up my life with enough things such as distractions and ambitions. I've learned how to do it all on my own, so I don't need you if I don't want to.

I've done my waiting. Now I'm ready to live. I've reshuffled my cards  and now I've got a good hand and that is good enough for me.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Life is a twisted contradiction.

You are here,

but you wish to be there.

Life is a twisted contradiction

of getting to where you want to be

and wishing that

you are somewhere else again.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You can't run away from yourself.

If you are fake, you will know.

If you pretend to be nice because you have secret intentions, you will know.

If you say things that are not true to inflate your impression, you will know.

If you are not who you say you are, you will know.

You can trick everyone in the world, but deep down, you will know that you are inauthentic. Your inauthenticity will eat at you. You will feel a need to watch your back over a problem that shouldn't even exist in the first place. Your inauthenticity will prevent you from making mistakes you need to make to learn from the process. You will never get to where you want to be because there is now a disconnection in your entire process.

Don't be fake. You can't run away from yourself.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I could just talk to a wall for the rest of eternity.

The more people I meet, the more lost I am.

I used to know what I want, but now I've exceeded my expectations. The goal post of what's enough seems to move further away. I'm still in my twenties, but I don't feel a day younger than thirty.

Most people my age don't have the responsibilities I do,

and at the same time I still feel more free than anyone I know.

The more power I have, the less I want it.

Love is still a foreign concept. A desirability I might never get. Life is still playing this joke of how the people you love never love you back the same. And I can keep on writing about what I believe in.

Well, I could just talk to a wall for the rest of eternity,

and maybe one day it will say something back to me.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

If it's right, you will know.

If it's right, you will know. You will not question it all the time. If it's right, you will not be analyzing all the smallest details and overthinking on all the things you know don't matter. If it's right, you will not be looking for reasons trying to justify it. If it's right, you will be able to feel it. The thought of it should make your heart warm and not feed you anxiety. If it's right, you will not be staying up all night thinking about it. If it's right, you will not lose sleep over it.

If it's right, you will know. You will not be writing all these trying to make sense of it. 

If your overthinking has led you to this point, it probably isn't right.

and chances are ... you probably know that too.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Find people who make you feel alive.

Find people who make you feel alive. Find people who make you feel like there is more to life and dive with you to pursue it. Find people who make the mundane things seem less mundane. There can be joy in repetition because the people make it better. Find people who listen and answer with good intentions. Find people who would make the extra effort, and not just because it's in their best interest, but because they truly do give a shit. Find people who stay, and stay for them in return.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I just want to feel the love I deserve because I'm a good ass person.

I just had a good conversation with my mama for like thirty minutes. We talked about our assumptions about whether or not Gijeong ends up with Taehoon in the last two episodes of My Liberation Notes drama. I told her that I can feel Gijeong's pain as I can very much relate to her situations.

We can't compare their personal struggles, but I must say that I don't think I'm okay if Gijeong's ending isn't full of love. Gijeong deserves a happy ending. Well, every character in the drama deserves a well-written happy ending, I believe so.

However this time I'm gonna talk about Gijeong. I always believe Gijeong deserves a better life. It's not just Mijeong who needs a life partner. They both deserve great life partners as I know they're strong women. Strong enough to get up again after embracing all the pain.

Changhee's life as the only son in the family also tough, but I believe he shall adapt and become a leader soon since if he's gonna marry someone, he should be able to lead the family towards a greater life which awaits them in the future. Changhee will work things out.

It's kinda different story for Gijeong and Mijeong. The only thing Gijeong wants is to feel loved, to be in love, and to start a family. But it's hard. As we all might have known, being in love goes both ways. To be fully committed to something and someone also needs courage.

We can't just simply love somebody and expect them to love us in return. They probably shower us with so much love. However, will they be able to commit? What if we asked them to marry us? We never know the answer because everything needs to start with a good connection at first.

I always scared of imagining things and putting my hopes too high. That's why it breaks my heart whenever Gijeong cries in the drama. Mijeong's pain is more like inner struggle as she still doesn't get it why she can't feel happy. She feels like there's a big hole in her chest.

Meanwhile, Gijeong understands her heart, her pain, and her situations. She knows that she can't be happy just by having money and a great reputation. She needs a life partner. She wants someone to stay beside her, walking side by side with her. She is longing for a pure love.

She can't achieve it only by herself. She wants to be free but she can't, because this struggle needs someone else to help her achieving the goals. She has to meet someone who understands and loves her just the way she is. It's hard, isn't it? Yes, that's why she struggles a lot.

Moreover, she's almost forty. At first, I thought Gijeong is still immature despite her age, but it turns out she's ready to love, ready to be in love, and even ready to start a family. Her cranky behavior is just how she tries to cope with the feelings she's holding inside her chest.

As I've stated in the beginning, I can very much relate to her. I mean, who doesn't want to be in love and of course to be loved in return. I want it all. I want to be in love. Nonetheless, I can't just simply love somebody and expect them to give me the same amount of love.

We all might have gone through the same phase like Gijeong in this lifetime, at least once. Even so, just remember you deserve to be loved the right way and for all of the right reasons. You deserve to be treated right without having to ask for it. You deserve to be truly happy.

As for me, the kind of love I have to give out and the level of commitment I possess is the reason why I'm not settling. I want to just give and give for all my life. No lies, no deceit, no delays, no games. I just want to feel the love I deserve because I'm a good ass person.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I know how to love, but maybe I just haven't met the right one yet.

I kinda feel like I tortured myself last night. It was definitely past midnight and I couldn't sleep, so I decided to just watch another episode of My Liberation Notes drama to distract myself from overthinking too much, since I tend to overthink things when I lay on bed.

After watching halfway, I decided to cook samyang. It's not because I was hungry, it was just to make me tired so I could fall asleep quickly. I'd like to cry out loud, but didn't have a good reason to do that, hence I chose to torture myself by eating spicy ramyeon until I cry.

Everything went smooth. I ate my samyang while watching that drama. I thought I wouldn't be able to cry because I've gotten used to the spiciness, yet I still cried the moment Taehoon accepted Gijeong's feelings. The moment Gijeong finally could love Taehoon, not just anyone.

I was like oh my my and suddenly my heart went crazy, then I cried out loud until I didn't know anymore what was the actual reason behind my tears. Some tears dropped pretty fast. It was a good ten minutes of uncontrollable crying. I feel glad that I let my emotions came out last night.

My mind blurred and all know is there was this huge hole inside my chest that kept on aching last night. I cried, cried, and cried, although the scene had passed already. Maybe, just maybe, I want to be Gijeong. I want to love anyone. I want to love and be loved in return.

Maybe we are all longing for the same thing; being in love before winter comes. We need a hand to hold on to when the season gets cold. We need a warm hug after a long day. We need at least one person who would love to be there for us, who would share the same feelings with us.

I can relate to Mijeong's story. She said all the guys she met are all jerks and I can very much relate to her because my story is somewhat the same. However, who knows as I keep watching this drama, I end up falling for Gijeong's character as I can feel her heart.

In my eyes, Gijeong is just too tired of falling in love because she always ends up having no one by her side. Thus, she wants to just love anyone. Fortunately she met the right man, the man who gives his love to her as well, the man who is worthy to be loved. I'm tearing up.

Gijeong's love story is one of a kind. I mean, it's simple but it has its own roller coaster ride of emotions. People might see her as someone who radiates negativity as she often says that she's tired with life and even with herself. Life is hard, for her. Life is sad, indeed.

However, there's always a reason behind everything and as time goes by Gijeong feels that the hole inside her chest gets bigger every time she breathes. She just want to be filled with love. She just wants to love and be loved in return. She wants to be in a healthy relationship.

And I think we are all like that, too. Realize it or not, we are all longing for the same thing. The excitement of being loved. The happiness of being in a relationship with someone. The openness when talking to the right person. The great love that deserves to be pursued.

Nevermind, if you don't think that way because I just want to be honest with myself. I've been longing for the excitement of being in a relationship for ages already. I've been wanting to start a relationship with just anyone, even long before Gijeong wants to do this thing.

Nevertheless, rather than feeling unworthy to be loved, I just somehow feel like there's no one in this world who can truly understand me, my mind. The guys I met are all jerks (Mijeong, let me borrow your sentence for a moment). They never understand me. They never even try to.

I've tried to be Gijeong as well. However, it's just the same. I can't just love anyone. I can't just say I love someone without thinking why I love this person. I mean, we can love people unconditionally, but we should feel the connection first, too. It's important.

Why is it important for me? Because I can't and I won't say things I don't mean. I say things I mean and that's how I live. I want to stay true with myself. This kind of connection is very important. However, I rarely feel it. I almost never feel it ... like maybe I'm numb already.

I know how to love, but maybe I just haven't met the right one yet. I keep telling myself that finding true love is a journey. It's the same as living life. We can meet the right one somewhere along the way, so all we can do is keep upgrading ourselves to be better every day.

I've learned the hard way, but I'm grateful for it. I know how it feels to be at the bottom when things get complicated. It's just somehow, watching My Liberation Notes drama makes me thinking more about how, what, when, where, why, and the who in my life. That's it, that's life.

Remember that you deserve to be loved. You will find the right one when the time is right. Remember that good things come when you least expect them, so keep being kind to yourself, keep loving yourself and those around you, even if the world is not so kind to you. I love you.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

"Do you want to be worshipped by me?" Let me worship you.

After a lot of contemplation, I think I'll level up myself and my relationship with the people I love the most. Well, it can be person not people because I don't think I can handle many people at the same time. If I have set my eyes on someone, I'll only focus on that person.

Asking "do you want to be worshipped by me?" is my new way to say "do you want to be loved by me?" because I can relate so much to a relationship where two people constantly give and give without thinking about being selfish to each other. They will pour their love to the fullest.

Let me worship you. Let me love you. Let me take care of you. Let me treat you better. I'll give you all my heart so you'll never have time to question whether or not you're worthy to be in love. Because .. Dear, you are. Each of us, everyone deserves to love and be loved in return.

This isn't the same as hopeless romantic. Just like Mijeong in My Liberation Notes drama, she'll stop giving once her heart is fulled. However, that doesn't guarantee she'll stop loving. Loving someone still means you'll put their happiness above yours sincerely, wholeheartedly.

And deciding to love someone means you'll be sincere to your own feelings, you'll try to always give your best for them, you'll show your support, you'll be there for them through ups and downs, and most importantly you'll be happy just by seeing them safe and happy. That's love.

So I think I'll change "let me love you" to "let me worship you" now. I'll give my heart, my attention, and my everything to the chosen one. I'll shower them with love and get the love I deserve in return until my heart is full. It's one step closer to a healthy relationship.

"Do you want to be worshipped by me?"

Let me worship you. However, if you agreed, you should do the same. Worship me, love me, shower me with the love I deserve, and we can help each other by filling the emptiness inside our hearts. I believe, loving you means loving myself, too.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

It's a new way to ask someone "please love me" in a very mature way.

After watching another two episodes of My Liberation Notes, I think things are getting more serious when Mijeong speaks up about her feelings of meeting only jerks in her life, then asking Mr. Gu to worship her.

I mean, it's a new way to ask someone "please love me" in a very mature way.

Other than taking it as "please love me" it also can be considered as "let's fall in love" or "let's love each other wholeheartedly" so when I watched that part last night, I was stunned for like ten minutes before realizing that the words could be so painful yet beautiful, too.

The feeling of being empty inside is torturing. The feeling of not being able to love or fall in love, is indeed painful. Thus when Mijeong cries in front of Mr. Gu and giving him an offer that if he doesn't have anything to do, he can worship her, he can love her, I cried a little.

I believe we all have been through that phase where we need something or someone to make us feel alive, to make us feel important, to make us feel extremely grateful and blessed that we're still breathing. And it's not easy to find an answer to all of our questions about life.

It's somehow the same as how we want at least one person to stay beside us, listening to our stories, staying quiet when we ramble about our feelings, and at the end of the day we just want at least one person to believe in us, to help us filling the emptiness inside our hearts.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I'm so into their kind of healthy relationship.

Last night I watched My Liberation Notes and it's indeed such a heartwarming drama. I can relate so much to Kim Jiwon's character, Mijeong, in the drama. She feels like she doesn't belong anywhere and she just lives her life to the point that it becomes the same as breathing.

She has to live, so she lives. I remember a scene where her work doesn't get good feedback from her manager, then she cries because of it. I feel her sadness, I can feel how it relates so much to my life, our lives. Although we cry a lot because it's hard, we still keep going and live our lives.

And Mr. Gu and Mijeong's love is just so calming. I'm so into their kind of healthy relationship. The fact that Mijeong doesn't really talk on the first two episodes indeed makes me try to understand her feelings even more, and now that I've seen how she slowly changes for the better because of Mr. Gu and vice versa, I understand why we all need love in our lives.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Have you ever felt like you just want to love and be loved in return?

Have you ever felt like you're tired of being the only one who always giving to the world? Have you ever felt like sometimes you just want to get spoiled and be selfish once in a while, like you want to be embraced by other people without you even asking them to do it for you?

Have you ever felt like you want to get all the love by having your beloved ones by your side? Have you ever felt like you want people to think of you as someone very important when they're happy, not only when they're sad? Have you ever felt like everyone's forgetting about you?

Have you ever felt like you just want to love and be loved in return? Have you ever felt like even though you know that good things take time, sometimes you just can't help but wishing for your significant other to eventually come very soon to save you from the solitude you're in?

I just want to be found,

my only wish, that's it.

... but then I woke up.

I realized, I'm all alone.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.