I just want to feel the love I deserve because I'm a good ass person.

I just had a good conversation with my mama for like thirty minutes. We talked about our assumptions about whether or not Gijeong ends up with Taehoon in the last two episodes of My Liberation Notes drama. I told her that I can feel Gijeong's pain as I can very much relate to her situations.

We can't compare their personal struggles, but I must say that I don't think I'm okay if Gijeong's ending isn't full of love. Gijeong deserves a happy ending. Well, every character in the drama deserves a well-written happy ending, I believe so.

However this time I'm gonna talk about Gijeong. I always believe Gijeong deserves a better life. It's not just Mijeong who needs a life partner. They both deserve great life partners as I know they're strong women. Strong enough to get up again after embracing all the pain.

Changhee's life as the only son in the family also tough, but I believe he shall adapt and become a leader soon since if he's gonna marry someone, he should be able to lead the family towards a greater life which awaits them in the future. Changhee will work things out.

It's kinda different story for Gijeong and Mijeong. The only thing Gijeong wants is to feel loved, to be in love, and to start a family. But it's hard. As we all might have known, being in love goes both ways. To be fully committed to something and someone also needs courage.

We can't just simply love somebody and expect them to love us in return. They probably shower us with so much love. However, will they be able to commit? What if we asked them to marry us? We never know the answer because everything needs to start with a good connection at first.

I always scared of imagining things and putting my hopes too high. That's why it breaks my heart whenever Gijeong cries in the drama. Mijeong's pain is more like inner struggle as she still doesn't get it why she can't feel happy. She feels like there's a big hole in her chest.

Meanwhile, Gijeong understands her heart, her pain, and her situations. She knows that she can't be happy just by having money and a great reputation. She needs a life partner. She wants someone to stay beside her, walking side by side with her. She is longing for a pure love.

She can't achieve it only by herself. She wants to be free but she can't, because this struggle needs someone else to help her achieving the goals. She has to meet someone who understands and loves her just the way she is. It's hard, isn't it? Yes, that's why she struggles a lot.

Moreover, she's almost forty. At first, I thought Gijeong is still immature despite her age, but it turns out she's ready to love, ready to be in love, and even ready to start a family. Her cranky behavior is just how she tries to cope with the feelings she's holding inside her chest.

As I've stated in the beginning, I can very much relate to her. I mean, who doesn't want to be in love and of course to be loved in return. I want it all. I want to be in love. Nonetheless, I can't just simply love somebody and expect them to give me the same amount of love.

We all might have gone through the same phase like Gijeong in this lifetime, at least once. Even so, just remember you deserve to be loved the right way and for all of the right reasons. You deserve to be treated right without having to ask for it. You deserve to be truly happy.

As for me, the kind of love I have to give out and the level of commitment I possess is the reason why I'm not settling. I want to just give and give for all my life. No lies, no deceit, no delays, no games. I just want to feel the love I deserve because I'm a good ass person.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I know how to love, but maybe I just haven't met the right one yet.

I kinda feel like I tortured myself last night. It was definitely past midnight and I couldn't sleep, so I decided to just watch another episode of My Liberation Notes drama to distract myself from overthinking too much, since I tend to overthink things when I lay on bed.

After watching halfway, I decided to cook samyang. It's not because I was hungry, it was just to make me tired so I could fall asleep quickly. I'd like to cry out loud, but didn't have a good reason to do that, hence I chose to torture myself by eating spicy ramyeon until I cry.

Everything went smooth. I ate my samyang while watching that drama. I thought I wouldn't be able to cry because I've gotten used to the spiciness, yet I still cried the moment Taehoon accepted Gijeong's feelings. The moment Gijeong finally could love Taehoon, not just anyone.

I was like oh my my and suddenly my heart went crazy, then I cried out loud until I didn't know anymore what was the actual reason behind my tears. Some tears dropped pretty fast. It was a good ten minutes of uncontrollable crying. I feel glad that I let my emotions came out last night.

My mind blurred and all know is there was this huge hole inside my chest that kept on aching last night. I cried, cried, and cried, although the scene had passed already. Maybe, just maybe, I want to be Gijeong. I want to love anyone. I want to love and be loved in return.

Maybe we are all longing for the same thing; being in love before winter comes. We need a hand to hold on to when the season gets cold. We need a warm hug after a long day. We need at least one person who would love to be there for us, who would share the same feelings with us.

I can relate to Mijeong's story. She said all the guys she met are all jerks and I can very much relate to her because my story is somewhat the same. However, who knows as I keep watching this drama, I end up falling for Gijeong's character as I can feel her heart.

In my eyes, Gijeong is just too tired of falling in love because she always ends up having no one by her side. Thus, she wants to just love anyone. Fortunately she met the right man, the man who gives his love to her as well, the man who is worthy to be loved. I'm tearing up.

Gijeong's love story is one of a kind. I mean, it's simple but it has its own roller coaster ride of emotions. People might see her as someone who radiates negativity as she often says that she's tired with life and even with herself. Life is hard, for her. Life is sad, indeed.

However, there's always a reason behind everything and as time goes by Gijeong feels that the hole inside her chest gets bigger every time she breathes. She just want to be filled with love. She just wants to love and be loved in return. She wants to be in a healthy relationship.

And I think we are all like that, too. Realize it or not, we are all longing for the same thing. The excitement of being loved. The happiness of being in a relationship with someone. The openness when talking to the right person. The great love that deserves to be pursued.

Nevermind, if you don't think that way because I just want to be honest with myself. I've been longing for the excitement of being in a relationship for ages already. I've been wanting to start a relationship with just anyone, even long before Gijeong wants to do this thing.

Nevertheless, rather than feeling unworthy to be loved, I just somehow feel like there's no one in this world who can truly understand me, my mind. The guys I met are all jerks (Mijeong, let me borrow your sentence for a moment). They never understand me. They never even try to.

I've tried to be Gijeong as well. However, it's just the same. I can't just love anyone. I can't just say I love someone without thinking why I love this person. I mean, we can love people unconditionally, but we should feel the connection first, too. It's important.

Why is it important for me? Because I can't and I won't say things I don't mean. I say things I mean and that's how I live. I want to stay true with myself. This kind of connection is very important. However, I rarely feel it. I almost never feel it ... like maybe I'm numb already.

I know how to love, but maybe I just haven't met the right one yet. I keep telling myself that finding true love is a journey. It's the same as living life. We can meet the right one somewhere along the way, so all we can do is keep upgrading ourselves to be better every day.

I've learned the hard way, but I'm grateful for it. I know how it feels to be at the bottom when things get complicated. It's just somehow, watching My Liberation Notes drama makes me thinking more about how, what, when, where, why, and the who in my life. That's it, that's life.

Remember that you deserve to be loved. You will find the right one when the time is right. Remember that good things come when you least expect them, so keep being kind to yourself, keep loving yourself and those around you, even if the world is not so kind to you. I love you.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

"Do you want to be worshipped by me?" Let me worship you.

After a lot of contemplation, I think I'll level up myself and my relationship with the people I love the most. Well, it can be person not people because I don't think I can handle many people at the same time. If I have set my eyes on someone, I'll only focus on that person.

Asking "do you want to be worshipped by me?" is my new way to say "do you want to be loved by me?" because I can relate so much to a relationship where two people constantly give and give without thinking about being selfish to each other. They will pour their love to the fullest.

Let me worship you. Let me love you. Let me take care of you. Let me treat you better. I'll give you all my heart so you'll never have time to question whether or not you're worthy to be in love. Because .. Dear, you are. Each of us, everyone deserves to love and be loved in return.

This isn't the same as hopeless romantic. Just like Mijeong in My Liberation Notes drama, she'll stop giving once her heart is fulled. However, that doesn't guarantee she'll stop loving. Loving someone still means you'll put their happiness above yours sincerely, wholeheartedly.

And deciding to love someone means you'll be sincere to your own feelings, you'll try to always give your best for them, you'll show your support, you'll be there for them through ups and downs, and most importantly you'll be happy just by seeing them safe and happy. That's love.

So I think I'll change "let me love you" to "let me worship you" now. I'll give my heart, my attention, and my everything to the chosen one. I'll shower them with love and get the love I deserve in return until my heart is full. It's one step closer to a healthy relationship.

"Do you want to be worshipped by me?"

Let me worship you. However, if you agreed, you should do the same. Worship me, love me, shower me with the love I deserve, and we can help each other by filling the emptiness inside our hearts. I believe, loving you means loving myself, too.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

It's a new way to ask someone "please love me" in a very mature way.

After watching another two episodes of My Liberation Notes, I think things are getting more serious when Mijeong speaks up about her feelings of meeting only jerks in her life, then asking Mr. Gu to worship her.

I mean, it's a new way to ask someone "please love me" in a very mature way.

Other than taking it as "please love me" it also can be considered as "let's fall in love" or "let's love each other wholeheartedly" so when I watched that part last night, I was stunned for like ten minutes before realizing that the words could be so painful yet beautiful, too.

The feeling of being empty inside is torturing. The feeling of not being able to love or fall in love, is indeed painful. Thus when Mijeong cries in front of Mr. Gu and giving him an offer that if he doesn't have anything to do, he can worship her, he can love her, I cried a little.

I believe we all have been through that phase where we need something or someone to make us feel alive, to make us feel important, to make us feel extremely grateful and blessed that we're still breathing. And it's not easy to find an answer to all of our questions about life.

It's somehow the same as how we want at least one person to stay beside us, listening to our stories, staying quiet when we ramble about our feelings, and at the end of the day we just want at least one person to believe in us, to help us filling the emptiness inside our hearts.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I'm so into their kind of healthy relationship.

Last night I watched My Liberation Notes and it's indeed such a heartwarming drama. I can relate so much to Kim Jiwon's character, Mijeong, in the drama. She feels like she doesn't belong anywhere and she just lives her life to the point that it becomes the same as breathing.

She has to live, so she lives. I remember a scene where her work doesn't get good feedback from her manager, then she cries because of it. I feel her sadness, I can feel how it relates so much to my life, our lives. Although we cry a lot because it's hard, we still keep going and live our lives.

And Mr. Gu and Mijeong's love is just so calming. I'm so into their kind of healthy relationship. The fact that Mijeong doesn't really talk on the first two episodes indeed makes me try to understand her feelings even more, and now that I've seen how she slowly changes for the better because of Mr. Gu and vice versa, I understand why we all need love in our lives.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Have you ever felt like you just want to love and be loved in return?

Have you ever felt like you're tired of being the only one who always giving to the world? Have you ever felt like sometimes you just want to get spoiled and be selfish once in a while, like you want to be embraced by other people without you even asking them to do it for you?

Have you ever felt like you want to get all the love by having your beloved ones by your side? Have you ever felt like you want people to think of you as someone very important when they're happy, not only when they're sad? Have you ever felt like everyone's forgetting about you?

Have you ever felt like you just want to love and be loved in return? Have you ever felt like even though you know that good things take time, sometimes you just can't help but wishing for your significant other to eventually come very soon to save you from the solitude you're in?

I just want to be found,

my only wish, that's it.

... but then I woke up.

I realized, I'm all alone.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

See it for yourself, all the beautiful things this universe has prepared for you.

Just in case no one has told you today.

Good morning, Little Sunshine. You deserve the whole world, so rise and shine. See it for yourself, all the beautiful things this universe has prepared for you. Remember, God has more in store for you than you can even imagine.

Always keep the faith, you are blessed beyond measure. You are forever loved. We all deserve happiness in this world, so fear nothing because you deserve to be happy. I will love you with all my heart. 

God bless you. Exceedingly. Abundantly. Above and beyond.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Take a leap of faith, you will get there.

It is never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you are proud of, and if you find that you are not, I hope you have the strength to start over because I believe in you as much as you believe in yourself. Take a leap of faith, you will get there.

And deep inside your heart, you know that you are stronger than you think you are. Hold on to all the hopes because it is in them your strength lies. Be faithful in small things, and soon your small things would be great things which could amaze yourself.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You are perfectly fine just the way you are.

You are kind.

You are strong.

You are amazing.

You are beautiful.

You are enough.

You are perfectly fine,

just the way you are.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Do not let people become priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs.

Do not let your heart be troubled for a long time. Do not let your dreams just be dreams. Do not let fear of failure control your life. And please remember this one important thing. Do not let people become priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs. 

Assuming that I have completely succeeded changing for the better now. I know better than anyone else that I can accept all the feelings which happened to fill my aching heart. I am responsible for how I feel towards anybody, and I am truly grateful for this wake-up call.

The wake-up call that finally could open my eyes when nobody seems to care. I have been feeding their ego with kindness. I have been helping them to be wicked. I have been trying so hard to please everyone. Now that everything comes to an end, I hope they end the agony.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

It is okay not to be okay.

It is okay to feel sad, sometimes.

It is okay to feel lost, sometimes.

It is okay to feel hurt, sometimes.

It is okay to feel tired, sometimes.

It is okay to feel numb, sometimes.

It is okay not to be okay.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Say, if you do not love yourself, then who will?

I have never felt as lonely as those most painful moments in my life. I know I am alone at all times, but never as lonely as that day since I thought my soul had left me bare hands. I was clueless, I was lost. But there was a gentle hand trying to reach me and lift me up.

Say, if you do not love yourself, then who will?

Tear your heart apart when it hurts and see what is inside. If there is nothing left, do not worry, you can always put yourself as the center of the universe for a brief moment until you can feel again. It is free to try.

I just do not want you to linger to any painful things that makes you feel small, weak, and pathetic, because you are not. You are never that. You are one of a kind. You are one of the strongest people I know, and I have no doubt you will make it through this. Always.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Thinking I have changed for the better, but it was only to get more pain in the end.

I thought I could bear the pain. I thought I have forgotten. I thought I could change for the better. But, it was not it. It was never it since I tried to change for other people. Not for me, but for them. I kept on longing for everyone's attention just to validate myself.

Those days were tough. I kept on playing pretend to be someone I was not. I kept on chasing other people's dreams while neglecting mine. I kept on singing the song everybody loves to hear. I kept on smiling just to make them feel delighted while I feel so freaking dumb inside.

It hurts. The second I realized that it was not worth any pain I have endured all this time, I cried litre of tears inside my bathtub for twelve hours straight. That shows how heartbroken I was. Thinking I have changed for the better, but it was only to get more pain in the end.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I wanted to be loved. I still want it.

Now that we are talking about me, let me tell you what kind of things that actually reside in my heart. It is not always about hatred, revenge, failure, selfishness, recklessness, and childishness, but it is also about love, dreams, honesty, kindness, and faithfulness.

I wanted to be loved. I still want it. Ever since I was a kid, things were just never right. There was not any love inside the family which turned me into such a cold queen whom everybody frightened of. I accepted the fact that I could be mean, sometimes. Unintentionally.

However, I could change. I am changing. I change, for the better. I am no longer that spoiled brat you have ever known anymore. Things change. Things have changed, so here I am, thinking maybe I could get the permission to start over again just to get things right.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Have you hugged yourself today?

Now that I think about it,

have you hugged yourself today?

If you have not, I hope you do it right away, now. Because I am proud of you. Because I know how life always throws rocks at you, but I do know how solid you are.

If anyone has not told you this, I hope you are proud of yourself. No one compares to the strength you hold.

Being patient does not mean you cannot raise your voice. Well, you do not have to do it every time, but sometimes it is needed. To protect yourself from things that bothering you.

Say something, tell the truth.

You have the right to speak up for what you think is right.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

The YOU who makes you, YOU.

Remember,

it is not always about other people,

it is not always about what people say,

and it is not about what you must do in life.

It is always about you.

The YOU everyone sees.

The YOU everyone loves.

The YOU who makes you, YOU.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I thought forever was a very long time.

I thought forever was a very long time. I thought it would last for a lifetime while it is actually not. Forever is just how it rains when someone left, how sunny the day is before someone left, and how breezy the wind is when you cry in the middle of the night. Alone.

But, it is not always about someone you once loved leaves you with thousands of memories. It is about how you handle the worst breakups you had, how you pick up all the pieces of every broken hearts you felt, and how you gain strength again after losing every, damn, thing.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Taking all my love for granted means a goodbye.

I do not care anymore. I do not deserve to get those unhealthy treatments from you. The one whose name I call in prayers for eight years.

Maybe this is the wake-up call. Maybe this is the best for us. Find me when you are ready to learn more about self-love, I will be there. But for now, I think I will not be going anywhere outside my little castle. I do not want to get hurt again.

Enough is enough. As much as I want to help you, I cannot help someone who does not want to be helped. Taking all my love for granted means a goodbye.

Thank you.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I know that settling with someone means the happiness must be doubled.

I am sorry that things are difficult for you.

I am sorry that you are alone and feel so lonely.

I am sorry that you still do not know how to love yourself.

But I am not sorry that I love myself.

I am not sorry that I know my worth.

I am not sorry that I am very happy.

I have been hurt. Somewhere along the way, I kinda find a reason to cry but millions of other reasons to smile. I know my worth. I know that settling with someone means the happiness must be doubled. I do not want to lose myself in order to help someone.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Nobody deserves that shit.

I cannot be with someone like you who wants me to be by your side but only when you need me. Not because you want to grow with me. Not because you are grateful to have met me. Not because you are proud of me. Not because you want me. Not because you love me for who I am. 

You are just lonely and you know I have been keeping this feeling ever since the first time we met. You used this chance to let me stand beside you, to accompany you when things get tough. In the end, you threw me away right after you were done.

Nobody deserves that shit.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I want a mature relationship so I always learn to grow to be more mature.

You are not proud of me and you want me to stop being proud of myself. You stepped on me like I am some kind of a bug. What? I keep on trying to understand you for eight freaking years.

I was there for you at your lowest, yet you take me for granted. I am very tired, really.

There are a lot of things that do not make any sense to me, but happened to be the reasons why I feel like I have to cut strings with you. I want a mature relationship so I always learn to grow to be more mature. I believe we should be mature first before getting into it.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I am not a freak. You are crazy.

I did not get it and I still do not get it.

How can you not like the idea of people loving themselves unapologetically, wholeheartedly, deeply, and confidently? I do not get it.

Why? Just why? Because you do not love yourself so you are projecting your hatred towards me.

I do not deserve to be treated like I am a clown in your life. I am trying to be the best version of myself every day and you make fun of it. You make me feel like all the walls I have built to keep myself confident and safe is nothing.

I am not a freak.

You are crazy.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

What the fuck?

It hurts and it is sad at the same time.

I was clueless and went like, "Hah?" and actually I have forgiven him, once. I waved it off. But then when I told him I am happy with myself and I am currently romanticizing my life. He said, "Wow, you are selfish."

What the fuck?

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I have never felt so sad in my life.

I am proud of myself no matter what happens. I know myself more than anyone in this world and I want to keep it that way. But this guy messed things up by saying I am a freak. I did not know how to react when I first heard it.

I have never felt so sad in my life.

I am so sad.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

But do I deserve to be treated like a joke?

Let us say he does not know anything about journaling, inner child, healing, or whatever.

But do I deserve to be treated like a joke?

No, I do not.

No one deserves to be treated like shit. No one ever deserves to feel unimportant, unappreciated, unworthy, or unwanted.

I do not think you could understand most of the points in my story. But I hope you respect me. We are all have our own world, our own strengths and weaknesses, and you can see that I have become a better person ever since the day I decided to be more positive about myself.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

He freaking laughed and said I am a freak.

Writing is a healing for me. I can look back to all those beautiful moments when I feel like I need some good reasons to be grateful for, and it helps me organizing the pain when I feel like the world is not so kind to me.

I have found my way of healing, but he laughed at it.

He freaking laughed and said I am a freak.

This is sad and I am still crying right now. But I think I need to let my emotions out by writing all this shit story to get rid of the pain. Yes, I told him I usually talk to myself, to heal my inner child, and to sort things out.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

He said I am a freak.

There was this moment when we had deep talk. I told him the story of my life, my spiritual journey, the way I could end up bringing myself back together and become a better version of myself. I know I am not perfect and I am fine with it.

I am happy.

You know what he said after that?

He said I am a freak.

Right after I told him that I write every single day on my diary to let out my emotions and to turn all the words into poems. Journaling keeps me sane and I am in love with the idea of writing poems. I love writing.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

He came again into my life after disrespecting me three times in eight years.

I am so proud of myself to the point I do not need anybody to make me happy. I do not rely my happiness on other people's shoulders as I can bring happiness to come into my life. I am grateful for my life and I always feel like I am blessed beyond measure.

I love my life.

But then he came again into my life after disrespecting me three times in eight years. At first I thought he already changed and he was there to stay in my life a little longer as I thought he could at least try to win my heart again this time.

He really should have done that.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

He and I could never end up together.

Let me explain all the reasons to you.

He and I could never end up together. I have been going through a lot of struggles since high school and when I was in university. But I managed to get myself back together and comeback stronger than ever.

All was done by myself.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

He hurts me.

I had a conversation with myself on my way home from work this evening. In the car while listening to my favorite song, I remembered my relationship with a high school friend. He holds a very special place in my heart.

Well, I have been secretly loving him for eight years.

I told myself that I am done with him. I have cut him off and I will never give him any chance to connect with me again in the future. I asked myself the reasons. No, I do not think I can say it. Actually my heart does not want to talk about it anymore since it hurts.

However, I feel like I cannot just simply say that we do not match and I am done with him. It does not make any sense. Thus, I said, "How can he love me when he does not know how to love himself?" and then I explained everything. That he disrespects me.

He hurts me.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.