864 ㅡ There is always hope.

There is always hope. 

You just gotta find an opening 

that lets in enough light to see it.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

863 ㅡ Between being loved and being broken.

You gotta be able to let yourself go.

People used to tell me that, and I think about it over the years that I have let it all go. I didn't get what I thought would come, but I did learn about all the parts and all the pieces. Now I tear myself down for fun so I could put it back together, and I'm not afraid of being broken anymore.

I'm sitting in this odd in between of being loved and being broken. If you sit in it long enough, you start to notice that there is a strange silence. I think what it means is peace; a nonchalant melancholic peace.

I don't want what I used to want anymore. I used to hold myself back; because I was afraid of growing too much, because outgrowing the people I love would mean that our path would stop aligning and in return I would love them less.

... but I've come to learn that the people you love never love you back and the ones that love you aren't really quite the same.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

862 ㅡ I remember being hurt for a long time.

I remember being hurt for a long time. Hoping for love to fill up those gaps until I realized that the people you love never love you back, and the ones that love you aren't really quite the same. I think I've given love enough tries to now know that I want it, but I don't need it. I used to hope for it even when I'm not seeking it. But nowadays, I think I've completely abolished it.

I remember all the times I've looked at someone and know that they love me, but deep down I feel nothing. I still don't know what it means.

I've filled up my lack of love with ambition and power. I know that one day I will have everything, except my deepest desires, and I don't know how to feel about that.

I used to be afraid of being alone, but now it doesn't bother me. I used to question everything, but now I know too much. You know you've seen enough when the hurt from different people starts to feel relatively the same.

I spent my whole life being disappointed by everyone around me, but mostly myself. I used to believe that I was sad and I think I really did grew up being sad. But sadness is subjective, it's mostly just peace to me now.

I think I finally figured out how to breathe within it.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

861 ㅡ See, life has become too easy.

Life has become too easy and I am overwhelmed by the sheer possibilities of it. Things used to take me a year to complete. Nowadays I just need 2 weeks with sufficient motivation and the right amount of angst, I could get anything I want done.

I spend more time disassociated than I do trying to exist. Survival isn't really an issue anymore. When I have a problem, I just look at it and somehow that makes it smaller.

I try to wake up early and I do things that are good for me. I hope one day some of these things can make me happy. My highlight reels consist only of the little things. The best things don't mean anything, but they mean everything.

I am astonished at how most of my problems disappeared when I lost interest in it. Frankly speaking, I don't think there are many things nowadays I am interested in. I have never been more stimulated and I have never been more bored. I wonder what it says about your life. All you do is go from one distraction to another.

Never fulfilling.

Always moving.

I was lost before and I still am, except nowadays I don't really care about being found anymore.

Cheap rolling paper and permanent marker, I write messages to myself before I burn it to a crisp. Most days my mind is where I live in. The only color I think about is orange.

See, life has become too easy. I'm not supposed to have lived this much in my twenties. You could tell me to take things slower, but I never cared much for advices other than myself's.

Someday this will be a full circle moment, but for now this game is still addictive to me.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

860 ㅡ Maybe I'm not from here.

I am trying so hard to understand myself. My mind seems to wander to another place, all the time. I am here, but at the same time I am not present. I am trying so hard to find an answer to all my prayers. Actually, I am not worrying about anything. I am just, sometimes, tired of waiting for the things that I can't touch. I am just, once in a while, wonder when will my turn ever come to finally be able to experience true love from someone. I am just, simply, trying to tell myself over and over again that past things that happened and past connections that ended are going to lead me to beautiful places. However, I am still here, finding myself crying and hugging my legs; feeling tired because I don't think I deserve to feel all the pain. The pain of losing people, the pain of letting go, the pain of waiting for indefinite time, the pain of being the poet but never the poem. The pain of just love but not loved.

I always wonder how it feels to be truly loved. I think I have learned how to love, but I never get a chance to love somebody. Sometimes, I am surrounded by my loved ones, but still feel lonely. And I am lonely when I am alone in my room. I thought I feel lonely just because I am all alone in my room. But turns out, there's a little girl in me who cries whenever she remembers that she has never been in love before. She has never felt romantic love all her life. She has never felt beautiful in other people's eyes. She has never really gotten any experiences of being pursued by somebody. Her heart has been hurt, disappointed not once, but more than fingers could count. Therefore, she chooses to cry in silence, for in silence, no one could ever know she actually wants love but too scared to ask. This little girl is always trying her best to give love and never ask anything in return. Maybe her time hasn't come yet, and she understands that completely. However, just sometimes, sometimes she wonders; how it feels to have somebody beside her who loves her just the way she is. Somebody who cares about her, somebody who genuinely wants the best for her, somebody who pursues her with patient and love. How nice would it be to be able to meet the love of your life right now. I never understand that feeling. At least for now. That's why all I can do is just wondering and dreaming.

Sometimes, I just live. I am too tired of feeling. being a deep feeler and a sensitive person is not always good, but I know it's a gift. I'm grateful for this trait, because I can understand other people's perspectives and their feelings quite well. I'm blessed by having this kind soul, because I can heal other people's feelings with my comfort words and warm presence. And I have to say that I love healing hearts. It makes me feel alive. Every time someone thanked me for being there for them, it adds more years into my life. I can't be any happier. I am so happy, very happy. But just once in a while, when I sit down at the edge of my bed, I feel like I want to be understood, too. I want to be loved, too. I want to have a human who could hug me when I cry, too. I don't want to wipe my tears with my own hands anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to have a shoulder to cry on. I want to feel secured in the arms of somebody who cares about me. Sometimes, I long for a person; a human connection. And I can't seem to put it into words; how tired I am of wiping my own tears when everything feels so heavy. I just, sometimes, feel like I know too much, feel too deeply, and love too hard.

However, I was born with love, so I will always give love. I choose to love without any expectations to be loved in return. Maybe, maybe because of that, I get hurt often. Because my intentions are pure. Because I just know how to love. I love and get hurt, and then I love again and again until I can no longer get hurt anymore. But sometimes, sometimes I want to know how universe works for me. How can I never get pursued? Not even once. And I wonder how it feels to be loved. One person is enough, but I guess it's too much too ask. Right?

Maybe it's true that I'm not from here. Maybe my life mission is just to give love and get love, never love and be loved. Someday I will experience the greatest love, but someday is such a long time. It's in the far future. Just sometimes, I feel tired of waiting for great things and good people to come into my life. And what makes it hard for me; is because I don't know how to give up. I don't want to give up. Even if sometimes it gets hard to breathe, I still hold on to a little hope inside my heart that someday true love will eventually find me at the right time. Maybe not today, but we never know tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, or next month or next year. Therefore, I keep trying my best to live my life with no regrets. I keep trying to always get myself back together whenever I feel sad and tired; telling myself that hard times are not going to be permanent. That one day, everything will make sense. That one day, I can understand why I have to wait for so long. That one day, I know how it feels to be loved wholeheartedly.

Maybe my time has not come yet to experience love story with somebody, maybe I need to wait for a little longer to feel human connection, maybe it takes time for my soulmate to find me, but I believe what I can't see. So even what I don't understand, I believe. I believe that I'm blessed beyond measure to be given more time to prepare myself to be the best version of myself before finally having my lifetime moment with my significant other in the future. Good things take time, so does good person.

I am always grateful for the love I have received from all the people around me. They are one of the main reasons why I'm still here; taking baby steps to where the universe leads me. Being with them truly makes me feel whole, and I hope they feel the love I give for them from the bottom of my heart. I do love being around them, so I hope we can overcome every loneliness and hard time together. I hope they never feel lonely when they're alone or when they're surrounded by people. Because they deserve good things, happiness, and love. I hope life treats them kindly. I will love and cherish every single one of them for as long as I possibly can. Because they are all my treasure and I won't trade my memories with them for anything else. They are love and I hope they know that they are so, very loved.

I'm alive; still waiting, always loving.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

859 ㅡ As I got older, I don't really panic anymore.

As I got older, I realize I don't really panic anymore.

I don't know if it's growth or just the increasing harshness of life I've had to deal with; and after awhile it kinda numbs you down and you just stop being affected by things, or maybe it's me finally finding peace amidst the chaos.

Well, there is a thin line between peace and disassociation. I honestly can't tell you which side I am on. Things don't really freak me out anymore. The bigger the dreams, the scarier they can be. They are ready to crumble down anytime, but I know they all eventually will come true if I set my mind to it.

Bad things, they happen all the same. Panicking doesn't change a thing, so I let them fuck me up. However, they choose to be and I know that I will get over it. Just like I always do.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

858 ㅡ You like the sound of it, but it's not perfect.

There is an abundance of opportunities, but you can't see it because you are too busy looking for something that doesn't exist. There is an abundance of opportunities so many to choose from.

You ask yourself, "Which are the ones guaranteed to work out?"

"You are not looking for much," you say. "All you want is something that can make you rich, successful, doesn't take much, and guaranteed to work."

What will it be?

There is an idea. You like the sound of it, but it's not perfect. Not good enough, so you keep waiting for the next one to come along.

... and you keep waiting for the next one to come along.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

857 ㅡ You don't know them and they don't know you.

The validation you are looking for only exists within yourself, but you are searching for it from someone else. You don't know them and they don't know you. Why are you so concerned with what they think about you?

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

856 ㅡ You never know how far you can go.

You never know how far you can go until you give it a go.

People are not going to have the answers for you. No one knows yourself better than you do. You won't get it right on your first try, but it will get you there.

This is your shot in life.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

855 ㅡ If I don't attract, I don't want it.

I've spent a long time waiting for people. I won't do that anymore. I won't wait for anyone anymore.

I've stopped seeking. I've stopped craving. I've lost interest in being excited, only to end up being disappointed every time. I'm over it. If I don't attract, I don't want it.

I've filled up my life with enough things such as distractions and ambitions. I've learned how to do it all on my own, so I don't need you if I don't want to.

I've done my waiting. Now I'm ready to live. I've reshuffled my cards  and now I've got a good hand and that is good enough for me.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

854 ㅡ Life is a twisted contradiction.

You are here,

but you wish to be there.

Life is a twisted contradiction

of getting to where you want to be

and wishing that

you are somewhere else again.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

853 ㅡ You can't run away from yourself.

If you are fake, you will know.

If you pretend to be nice because you have secret intentions, you will know.

If you say things that are not true to inflate your impression, you will know.

If you are not who you say you are, you will know.

You can trick everyone in the world, but deep down, you will know that you are inauthentic. Your inauthenticity will eat at you. You will feel a need to watch your back over a problem that shouldn't even exist in the first place. Your inauthenticity will prevent you from making mistakes you need to make to learn from the process. You will never get to where you want to be because there is now a disconnection in your entire process.

Don't be fake. You can't run away from yourself.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.