I could just talk to a wall for the rest of eternity.

The more people I meet, the more lost I am.

I used to know what I want, but now I've exceeded my expectations. The goal post of what's enough seems to move further away. I'm still in my twenties, but I don't feel a day younger than thirty.

Most people my age don't have the responsibilities I do,

and at the same time I still feel more free than anyone I know.

The more power I have, the less I want it.

Love is still a foreign concept. A desirability I might never get. Life is still playing this joke of how the people you love never love you back the same. And I can keep on writing about what I believe in.

Well, I could just talk to a wall for the rest of eternity,

and maybe one day it will say something back to me.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

If it's right, you will know.

If it's right, you will know. You will not question it all the time. If it's right, you will not be analyzing all the smallest details and overthinking on all the things you know don't matter. If it's right, you will not be looking for reasons trying to justify it. If it's right, you will be able to feel it. The thought of it should make your heart warm and not feed you anxiety. If it's right, you will not be staying up all night thinking about it. If it's right, you will not lose sleep over it.

If it's right, you will know. You will not be writing all these trying to make sense of it. 

If your overthinking has led you to this point, it probably isn't right.

and chances are ... you probably know that too.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Find people who make you feel alive.

Find people who make you feel alive. Find people who make you feel like there is more to life and dive with you to pursue it. Find people who make the mundane things seem less mundane. There can be joy in repetition because the people make it better. Find people who listen and answer with good intentions. Find people who would make the extra effort, and not just because it's in their best interest, but because they truly do give a shit. Find people who stay, and stay for them in return.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I just want to feel the love I deserve because I'm a good ass person.

I just had a good conversation with my mama for like thirty minutes. We talked about our assumptions about whether or not Gijeong ends up with Taehoon in the last two episodes of My Liberation Notes drama. I told her that I can feel Gijeong's pain as I can very much relate to her situations.

We can't compare their personal struggles, but I must say that I don't think I'm okay if Gijeong's ending isn't full of love. Gijeong deserves a happy ending. Well, every character in the drama deserves a well-written happy ending, I believe so.

However this time I'm gonna talk about Gijeong. I always believe Gijeong deserves a better life. It's not just Mijeong who needs a life partner. They both deserve great life partners as I know they're strong women. Strong enough to get up again after embracing all the pain.

Changhee's life as the only son in the family also tough, but I believe he shall adapt and become a leader soon since if he's gonna marry someone, he should be able to lead the family towards a greater life which awaits them in the future. Changhee will work things out.

It's kinda different story for Gijeong and Mijeong. The only thing Gijeong wants is to feel loved, to be in love, and to start a family. But it's hard. As we all might have known, being in love goes both ways. To be fully committed to something and someone also needs courage.

We can't just simply love somebody and expect them to love us in return. They probably shower us with so much love. However, will they be able to commit? What if we asked them to marry us? We never know the answer because everything needs to start with a good connection at first.

I always scared of imagining things and putting my hopes too high. That's why it breaks my heart whenever Gijeong cries in the drama. Mijeong's pain is more like inner struggle as she still doesn't get it why she can't feel happy. She feels like there's a big hole in her chest.

Meanwhile, Gijeong understands her heart, her pain, and her situations. She knows that she can't be happy just by having money and a great reputation. She needs a life partner. She wants someone to stay beside her, walking side by side with her. She is longing for a pure love.

She can't achieve it only by herself. She wants to be free but she can't, because this struggle needs someone else to help her achieving the goals. She has to meet someone who understands and loves her just the way she is. It's hard, isn't it? Yes, that's why she struggles a lot.

Moreover, she's almost forty. At first, I thought Gijeong is still immature despite her age, but it turns out she's ready to love, ready to be in love, and even ready to start a family. Her cranky behavior is just how she tries to cope with the feelings she's holding inside her chest.

As I've stated in the beginning, I can very much relate to her. I mean, who doesn't want to be in love and of course to be loved in return. I want it all. I want to be in love. Nonetheless, I can't just simply love somebody and expect them to give me the same amount of love.

We all might have gone through the same phase like Gijeong in this lifetime, at least once. Even so, just remember you deserve to be loved the right way and for all of the right reasons. You deserve to be treated right without having to ask for it. You deserve to be truly happy.

As for me, the kind of love I have to give out and the level of commitment I possess is the reason why I'm not settling. I want to just give and give for all my life. No lies, no deceit, no delays, no games. I just want to feel the love I deserve because I'm a good ass person.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I know how to love, but maybe I just haven't met the right one yet.

I kinda feel like I tortured myself last night. It was definitely past midnight and I couldn't sleep, so I decided to just watch another episode of My Liberation Notes drama to distract myself from overthinking too much, since I tend to overthink things when I lay on bed.

After watching halfway, I decided to cook samyang. It's not because I was hungry, it was just to make me tired so I could fall asleep quickly. I'd like to cry out loud, but didn't have a good reason to do that, hence I chose to torture myself by eating spicy ramyeon until I cry.

Everything went smooth. I ate my samyang while watching that drama. I thought I wouldn't be able to cry because I've gotten used to the spiciness, yet I still cried the moment Taehoon accepted Gijeong's feelings. The moment Gijeong finally could love Taehoon, not just anyone.

I was like oh my my and suddenly my heart went crazy, then I cried out loud until I didn't know anymore what was the actual reason behind my tears. Some tears dropped pretty fast. It was a good ten minutes of uncontrollable crying. I feel glad that I let my emotions came out last night.

My mind blurred and all know is there was this huge hole inside my chest that kept on aching last night. I cried, cried, and cried, although the scene had passed already. Maybe, just maybe, I want to be Gijeong. I want to love anyone. I want to love and be loved in return.

Maybe we are all longing for the same thing; being in love before winter comes. We need a hand to hold on to when the season gets cold. We need a warm hug after a long day. We need at least one person who would love to be there for us, who would share the same feelings with us.

I can relate to Mijeong's story. She said all the guys she met are all jerks and I can very much relate to her because my story is somewhat the same. However, who knows as I keep watching this drama, I end up falling for Gijeong's character as I can feel her heart.

In my eyes, Gijeong is just too tired of falling in love because she always ends up having no one by her side. Thus, she wants to just love anyone. Fortunately she met the right man, the man who gives his love to her as well, the man who is worthy to be loved. I'm tearing up.

Gijeong's love story is one of a kind. I mean, it's simple but it has its own roller coaster ride of emotions. People might see her as someone who radiates negativity as she often says that she's tired with life and even with herself. Life is hard, for her. Life is sad, indeed.

However, there's always a reason behind everything and as time goes by Gijeong feels that the hole inside her chest gets bigger every time she breathes. She just want to be filled with love. She just wants to love and be loved in return. She wants to be in a healthy relationship.

And I think we are all like that, too. Realize it or not, we are all longing for the same thing. The excitement of being loved. The happiness of being in a relationship with someone. The openness when talking to the right person. The great love that deserves to be pursued.

Nevermind, if you don't think that way because I just want to be honest with myself. I've been longing for the excitement of being in a relationship for ages already. I've been wanting to start a relationship with just anyone, even long before Gijeong wants to do this thing.

Nevertheless, rather than feeling unworthy to be loved, I just somehow feel like there's no one in this world who can truly understand me, my mind. The guys I met are all jerks (Mijeong, let me borrow your sentence for a moment). They never understand me. They never even try to.

I've tried to be Gijeong as well. However, it's just the same. I can't just love anyone. I can't just say I love someone without thinking why I love this person. I mean, we can love people unconditionally, but we should feel the connection first, too. It's important.

Why is it important for me? Because I can't and I won't say things I don't mean. I say things I mean and that's how I live. I want to stay true with myself. This kind of connection is very important. However, I rarely feel it. I almost never feel it ... like maybe I'm numb already.

I know how to love, but maybe I just haven't met the right one yet. I keep telling myself that finding true love is a journey. It's the same as living life. We can meet the right one somewhere along the way, so all we can do is keep upgrading ourselves to be better every day.

I've learned the hard way, but I'm grateful for it. I know how it feels to be at the bottom when things get complicated. It's just somehow, watching My Liberation Notes drama makes me thinking more about how, what, when, where, why, and the who in my life. That's it, that's life.

Remember that you deserve to be loved. You will find the right one when the time is right. Remember that good things come when you least expect them, so keep being kind to yourself, keep loving yourself and those around you, even if the world is not so kind to you. I love you.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

"Do you want to be worshipped by me?" Let me worship you.

After a lot of contemplation, I think I'll level up myself and my relationship with the people I love the most. Well, it can be person not people because I don't think I can handle many people at the same time. If I have set my eyes on someone, I'll only focus on that person.

Asking "do you want to be worshipped by me?" is my new way to say "do you want to be loved by me?" because I can relate so much to a relationship where two people constantly give and give without thinking about being selfish to each other. They will pour their love to the fullest.

Let me worship you. Let me love you. Let me take care of you. Let me treat you better. I'll give you all my heart so you'll never have time to question whether or not you're worthy to be in love. Because .. Dear, you are. Each of us, everyone deserves to love and be loved in return.

This isn't the same as hopeless romantic. Just like Mijeong in My Liberation Notes drama, she'll stop giving once her heart is fulled. However, that doesn't guarantee she'll stop loving. Loving someone still means you'll put their happiness above yours sincerely, wholeheartedly.

And deciding to love someone means you'll be sincere to your own feelings, you'll try to always give your best for them, you'll show your support, you'll be there for them through ups and downs, and most importantly you'll be happy just by seeing them safe and happy. That's love.

So I think I'll change "let me love you" to "let me worship you" now. I'll give my heart, my attention, and my everything to the chosen one. I'll shower them with love and get the love I deserve in return until my heart is full. It's one step closer to a healthy relationship.

"Do you want to be worshipped by me?"

Let me worship you. However, if you agreed, you should do the same. Worship me, love me, shower me with the love I deserve, and we can help each other by filling the emptiness inside our hearts. I believe, loving you means loving myself, too.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

It's a new way to ask someone "please love me" in a very mature way.

After watching another two episodes of My Liberation Notes, I think things are getting more serious when Mijeong speaks up about her feelings of meeting only jerks in her life, then asking Mr. Gu to worship her.

I mean, it's a new way to ask someone "please love me" in a very mature way.

Other than taking it as "please love me" it also can be considered as "let's fall in love" or "let's love each other wholeheartedly" so when I watched that part last night, I was stunned for like ten minutes before realizing that the words could be so painful yet beautiful, too.

The feeling of being empty inside is torturing. The feeling of not being able to love or fall in love, is indeed painful. Thus when Mijeong cries in front of Mr. Gu and giving him an offer that if he doesn't have anything to do, he can worship her, he can love her, I cried a little.

I believe we all have been through that phase where we need something or someone to make us feel alive, to make us feel important, to make us feel extremely grateful and blessed that we're still breathing. And it's not easy to find an answer to all of our questions about life.

It's somehow the same as how we want at least one person to stay beside us, listening to our stories, staying quiet when we ramble about our feelings, and at the end of the day we just want at least one person to believe in us, to help us filling the emptiness inside our hearts.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I'm so into their kind of healthy relationship.

Last night I watched My Liberation Notes and it's indeed such a heartwarming drama. I can relate so much to Kim Jiwon's character, Mijeong, in the drama. She feels like she doesn't belong anywhere and she just lives her life to the point that it becomes the same as breathing.

She has to live, so she lives. I remember a scene where her work doesn't get good feedback from her manager, then she cries because of it. I feel her sadness, I can feel how it relates so much to my life, our lives. Although we cry a lot because it's hard, we still keep going and live our lives.

And Mr. Gu and Mijeong's love is just so calming. I'm so into their kind of healthy relationship. The fact that Mijeong doesn't really talk on the first two episodes indeed makes me try to understand her feelings even more, and now that I've seen how she slowly changes for the better because of Mr. Gu and vice versa, I understand why we all need love in our lives.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Have you ever felt like you just want to love and be loved in return?

Have you ever felt like you're tired of being the only one who always giving to the world? Have you ever felt like sometimes you just want to get spoiled and be selfish once in a while, like you want to be embraced by other people without you even asking them to do it for you?

Have you ever felt like you want to get all the love by having your beloved ones by your side? Have you ever felt like you want people to think of you as someone very important when they're happy, not only when they're sad? Have you ever felt like everyone's forgetting about you?

Have you ever felt like you just want to love and be loved in return? Have you ever felt like even though you know that good things take time, sometimes you just can't help but wishing for your significant other to eventually come very soon to save you from the solitude you're in?

I just want to be found,

my only wish, that's it.

... but then I woke up.

I realized, I'm all alone.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Thank you for attending my TED Talk.

I think it's clearly shown how I very much enjoy my life these past few days. I've been staying away from all the shits that keep on hurting me for months, now I'm freeing myself. I'm currently taking a break from expanding my social circle since it's a little bit troublesome.

I believe that life supposes to be like this. We gotta have such balance to do what we love. I mean, it's true that I freaking love writing. I can write every single day without a break, and I will never complain about it. However, there are still times when I don't feel good.

Of course, about myself. I won't talk about insecurities since I rarely feel insecure and I always know what I'm capable of. But the thing is, I dislike some circumstances I'm currently in. There's this universe which making me feel insignificant. I feel like I don't belong there.

I have my very own reason why I choose to take a break from writing. It scares me how people tend to look down on someone who has sincere heart to befriend everyone without a doubt, while at the same time they enjoy hanging aound other people who have more impact in the universe.

I hardly believe that I'm currently talking about impact. Well, what I'm trying to say is I find it very amusing, seeing people be like praising other people for what they did even though the act didn't even service or benefit them at all. They only praise for the sake of popularity.

It's fine, though. I don't mind being placed as the second option. I'm used to it. Still, don't step on someone just because you think that they don't have anything to offer and they're just nothing. It matters a lot how you treat other people. Don't be so cocky, life's a gamble.

Having another heartbreak because of this doesn't surprise me anymore. I always be the one who's being forgotten and I'm the one who forgives almost all the time, so what's new? This adds another reason why I choose to be alone and never wonder about the life of party people.

I'm always enough because I have a warm little family, also one beloved sister whose heart is so big that I can sleepover every time I feel depressed and she never makes me feel small. She's the one who supports me and never give up on me. I love it so much, having a twin sister.

Back to the topic, just don't be so fast judging people. It's a friendly reminder for us that we might not see everything, so don't take everyone as nothing. Believe me, maybe one day we'll get surprised by their achievements. We might not congratulate them, but we'll see, haha.

Maybe we'll start to hope that we could build relations with them because of their popularity. However, life's hard. Who knows the rejection will be at your front door? Before that really happens, don't you think we all should be kind to everyone by not taking them for granted?

Yes, let's do that, you and me, us, together. As for now, I'll promise you that I'll keep improving myself to the point that I don't need anyone to validate my existence in this universe. Keep in mind, players gonna play, and haters gonna hate. People change, and life must go on.

If you think you can easily disrespect me and coming back like nothing ever happened, I'll gladly show you the door where you can exit. Last but not least, thank you for attending my TED Talk.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.