I kinda feel like I tortured myself last night. It was definitely past midnight and I couldn't sleep, so I decided to just watch another episode of My Liberation Notes drama to distract myself from overthinking too much, since I tend to overthink things when I lay on bed.
After watching halfway, I decided to cook samyang. It's not because I was hungry, it was just to make me tired so I could fall asleep quickly. I'd like to cry out loud, but didn't have a good reason to do that, hence I chose to torture myself by eating spicy ramyeon until I cry.
Everything went smooth. I ate my samyang while watching that drama. I thought I wouldn't be able to cry because I've gotten used to the spiciness, yet I still cried the moment Taehoon accepted Gijeong's feelings. The moment Gijeong finally could love Taehoon, not just anyone.
I was like oh my my and suddenly my heart went crazy, then I cried out loud until I didn't know anymore what was the actual reason behind my tears. Some tears dropped pretty fast. It was a good ten minutes of uncontrollable crying. I feel glad that I let my emotions came out last night.
My mind blurred and all know is there was this huge hole inside my chest that kept on aching last night. I cried, cried, and cried, although the scene had passed already. Maybe, just maybe, I want to be Gijeong. I want to love anyone. I want to love and be loved in return.
Maybe we are all longing for the same thing; being in love before winter comes. We need a hand to hold on to when the season gets cold. We need a warm hug after a long day. We need at least one person who would love to be there for us, who would share the same feelings with us.
I can relate to Mijeong's story. She said all the guys she met are all jerks and I can very much relate to her because my story is somewhat the same. However, who knows as I keep watching this drama, I end up falling for Gijeong's character as I can feel her heart.
In my eyes, Gijeong is just too tired of falling in love because she always ends up having no one by her side. Thus, she wants to just love anyone. Fortunately she met the right man, the man who gives his love to her as well, the man who is worthy to be loved. I'm tearing up.
Gijeong's love story is one of a kind. I mean, it's simple but it has its own roller coaster ride of emotions. People might see her as someone who radiates negativity as she often says that she's tired with life and even with herself. Life is hard, for her. Life is sad, indeed.
However, there's always a reason behind everything and as time goes by Gijeong feels that the hole inside her chest gets bigger every time she breathes. She just want to be filled with love. She just wants to love and be loved in return. She wants to be in a healthy relationship.
And I think we are all like that, too. Realize it or not, we are all longing for the same thing. The excitement of being loved. The happiness of being in a relationship with someone. The openness when talking to the right person. The great love that deserves to be pursued.
Nevermind, if you don't think that way because I just want to be honest with myself. I've been longing for the excitement of being in a relationship for ages already. I've been wanting to start a relationship with just anyone, even long before Gijeong wants to do this thing.
Nevertheless, rather than feeling unworthy to be loved, I just somehow feel like there's no one in this world who can truly understand me, my mind. The guys I met are all jerks (Mijeong, let me borrow your sentence for a moment). They never understand me. They never even try to.
I've tried to be Gijeong as well. However, it's just the same. I can't just love anyone. I can't just say I love someone without thinking why I love this person. I mean, we can love people unconditionally, but we should feel the connection first, too. It's important.
Why is it important for me? Because I can't and I won't say things I don't mean. I say things I mean and that's how I live. I want to stay true with myself. This kind of connection is very important. However, I rarely feel it. I almost never feel it ... like maybe I'm numb already.
I know how to love, but maybe I just haven't met the right one yet. I keep telling myself that finding true love is a journey. It's the same as living life. We can meet the right one somewhere along the way, so all we can do is keep upgrading ourselves to be better every day.
I've learned the hard way, but I'm grateful for it. I know how it feels to be at the bottom when things get complicated. It's just somehow, watching My Liberation Notes drama makes me thinking more about how, what, when, where, why, and the who in my life. That's it, that's life.
Remember that you deserve to be loved. You will find the right one when the time is right. Remember that good things come when you least expect them, so keep being kind to yourself, keep loving yourself and those around you, even if the world is not so kind to you. I love you.