Maybe I'm not from here.

I am trying so hard to understand myself. My mind seems to wander to another place, all the time. I am here, but at the same time I am not present. I am trying so hard to find an answer to all my prayers. Actually, I am not worrying about anything. I am just, sometimes, tired of waiting for the things that I can't touch. I am just, once in a while, wonder when will my turn ever come to finally be able to experience true love from someone. I am just, simply, trying to tell myself over and over again that past things that happened and past connections that ended are going to lead me to beautiful places. However, I am still here, finding myself crying and hugging my legs; feeling tired because I don't think I deserve to feel all the pain. The pain of losing someone I love, the pain of letting go, the pain of waiting for indefinite time, the pain of being the poet but never the poem. The pain of just love but not loved.

I always wonder how it feels to be truly loved. I think I have learned how to love, but I never get a chance to love somebody. Sometimes, I am surrounded by my loved ones, but still feel lonely. And I am lonely when I am alone in my room. I thought I feel lonely just because I am all alone in my room. But turns out, there's a little girl in me who cries whenever she remembers that she has never been in love before. She has never felt romantic love all her life. She has never felt beautiful in other people's eyes. She has never really gotten any experiences of being pursued by somebody. Her heart has been hurt, disappointed not once, but more than fingers could count. Therefore, she chooses to cry in silence, for in silence, no one could ever know she actually wants love but too scared to ask. This little girl is always trying her best to give love and never ask anything in return. Maybe her time hasn't come yet, and she understands that completely. However, just sometimes, sometimes she wonders; how it feels to have somebody beside her who loves her just the way she is. Somebody who cares about her, somebody who genuinely wants the best for her, somebody who pursues her with patient and love. How nice would it be to be able to meet the love of your life right now. I never understand that feeling. At least for now. That's why all I can do is just wondering and dreaming.

Sometimes, I just live. I am too tired of feeling. being a deep feeler and a sensitive person is not always good, but I know it's a gift. I'm grateful for this trait, because I can understand other people's perspectives and their feelings quite well. I'm blessed by having this kind soul, because I can heal other people's feelings with my comfort words and warm presence. And I have to say that I love healing hearts. It makes me feel alive. Every time someone thanked me for being there for them, it adds more years into my life. I can't be any happier. I am so happy, very happy. But just once in a while, when I sit down at the edge of my bed, I feel like I want to be understood, too. I want to be loved, too. I want to have a human who could hug me when I cry, too. I don't want to wipe my tears with my own hands anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to have a shoulder to cry on. I want to feel secured in the arms of somebody who cares about me. Sometimes, I long for a person; a human connection. And I can't seem to put it into words; how tired I am of wiping my own tears when everything feels so heavy. I just, sometimes, feel like I know too much, feel too deeply, and love too hard.

However, I was born with love, so I will always give love. I choose to love without any expectations to be loved in return. Maybe, maybe because of that, I get hurt often. because my intentions are pure. Because I just know how to love. I love and get hurt, and then I love again and again until I can no longer get hurt anymore. But sometimes, sometimes I want to know how universe works for me. How can I never get pursued? Not even once. And I wonder how it feels to be loved. One person is enough, but I guess it's too much too ask. Right?

Maybe it's true that I'm not from here. Maybe my life mission is just to give love and get love, never love and be loved. Someday I will experience the greatest love, but someday is such a long time. It's in the far future. Just sometimes, I feel tired of waiting for great things and good people to come into my life. And what makes it hard for me; is because I don't know how to give up. I don't want to give up. Even if sometimes it gets hard to breathe, I still hold on to a little hope inside my heart that someday true love will eventually find me at the right time. Maybe not today, but we never know tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, or next month or next year. Therefore, I keep trying my best to live my life with no regrets. I keep trying to always get myself back together whenever I feel sad and tired; telling myself that hard times are not going to be permanent. That one day, everything will make sense. That one day, I can understand why I have to wait for so long. That one day, I know how it feels to be loved wholeheartedly.

Maybe my time has not come yet to experience love story with somebody, maybe I need to wait for a little longer to feel human connection, maybe it takes time for my soulmate to find me, but I believe what I can't see. So even what I don't understand, I believe. I believe that I'm blessed beyond measure to be given more time to prepare myself to be the best version of myself before finally having my lifetime moment with my significant other in the future. Good things take time, so does good person.

I am always grateful for the love I have received from all the people around me. They are one of the main reasons why I'm still here; taking baby steps to where the universe leads me. Being with them truly makes me feel whole, and I hope they feel the love I give for them from the bottom of my heart. I do love being around them, so I hope we can overcome every loneliness and hard time together. I hope they never feel lonely when they're alone or when they're surrounded by people. Because they deserve good things, happiness, and love. I hope life treats them kindly. I will love and cherish every single one of them for as long as I possibly can. Because they are all my treasure and I won't trade my memories with them for anything else. They are love and I hope they know that they are so, very loved.

I'm alive; still waiting, always loving.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

There is no reason to believe that love cannot find you.

Don't worry so much about love.

Don't worry so much about who's going to love you, or how they're going to love you, or when you're going to find love.

Love is the most infinite and effortless presence in this world. It's found in the tiny crevices of human nature; in the way flowers bloom and in the way birds always have enough food to eat. It's found in hospital rooms, and grocery stores, in home cooked meals, and in the smiles of passing stangers. Love is the music you listen to, and in the jokes you make, and it's in the way you always return home for the holidays. Love is "are you okay?" and "did you get enough sleep?" and "I am proud of you" and "I hope you sleep well tonight."

Love is the way your heart beats every day, and how your body wakes up every morning, and how your soul continues to exist so freely

You don't need to worry about love. It is all around you, every day, in every moment. It can reach you at your best and it will meet you at your worst. There is no force in this world stronger than love.

There is no reason to believe that love cannot find you.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

How to know someone is here to stay.

How to know someone is here to stay:

You don't. There is no test, there is no gauge, and there is no formula that can predict whether someone stays in your life forever. You can look and see if your zodiac signs are compatible, you can compare love languages, you can sign marriage licenses and say your vows in front of a hundred people. You can get matching tattoos, you can cross pinkies, you can make pact after pact after pact, but none of this can truly guarantee that a relationship will last.

But you can hope it does. You can hope they stay. You can hope you want to stick around, too. Because if you really think about it, love is simply a commitment to continue hoping. To continue doing your best. To continue forgiving. To continue laughing. To continue staying. So yes, nothing is certain, and sometimes this fact aches. But forever shouldn't be the goal in loving anyway. It should just be to love. And to hope.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

It's your duty to choose yourself.

I am a firm believer in choosing yourself when faced with any kind of rejection. I am a firm believer that some moments require you to walk away and choose yourself first or save your pride or put your foot down when someone is unfairly attacking you or mistreating you, but the truth is choosing yourself is not an easy task. It's not an easy job and it's not something you master overnight.

Choosing yourself requires discipline. You have to commit to your word, to your decision, to your choice even in your weakest moments. You can't call someone who hurt you even if you miss them. You can't ask someone who betrayed you for help. You can't work for someone who doesn't respect you. You can't befriend someone who thinks you're not good enough and the list goes on. The truth is choosing yourself is often a very dark and lonely road, and that's why not everyone takes that drive.

Because choosing yourself doesn't mean going to spas, traveling the world, and buying yourself fancy things. It doesn't mean working out and eating healthy and looking polished all the time, these are just the icing on top of the cake, but the real work is in the batter. It's in what it takes every day for you to become that person. It's resisting the temptations, the emotions, the loneliness and the urge to fall back and chase whatever you're supposed to stay away from. It's saying no when you want to say yes. It's letting go of things and people you truly need. It's seeing people you miss but not saying a word. It's staying in your lane when everyone else is making a U-turn.

When you meet someone else who appreciates you and chooses you the way you choose yourself, when you finally find the right job with a boss and colleagues who value you and your work, when you make new likeminded friends who don't belittle you or hold your weaknesses against you, and when you truly feel alive and content with who you are. When you look back and realize that the person you are now is worth all the things and relationships you sacrificed, and when you realize that all the boundaries you set protected you from ruining your own life.

Your time is precious, and it's your duty to make sure you don't waste it on the wrong people or the wrong places. It's your duty to choose yourself because if you wait for people to choose you, you will be waiting a very long time and you may never get chosen.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You just have to know that you deserve better.

You don't deserve to be with someone who has a lot more offer and a lot more to give but is choosing to hold back with you. You don't have to change anyone or convince anyone of your worth either, you just have to know that you deserve better. Throw in the towel and leave with your head held high.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You don't deserve someone who makes you feel unloved.

Too many good hearts fall for that kind of people. Too many strong ones end up with people who use them. Too many loyal people get taken advantage of by someone who's unsure or still paying the field, but just because so many people are okay with it doesn't mean you have to accept it. You don't deserve to be someone's rebound. You shouldn't stay with someone knowing that they're thinking about someone else, and you definitely shouldn't stay hoping that you can make them forget. It's not your job, it never was and it never will be.

If this is what it comes down to, being with someone who treats you like a backup plan or being alone. Be alone. Be alone because the pain of being alone is a lot easier to handle than the pain of being with someone who doesn't see you, who neglects you, who doesn't care about you, who doesn't pay attention to your wants or needs and who doesn't understand when you're hurting or when you're upset. You don't deserve someone who makes you feel unloved. You don't deserve someone who is sometimes consistent, sometimes sweet, sometimes attentive, and the other times absent.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You don't deserve to be someone's backup plan.

You didn't grow up watching all those romantic movies, living all those childhood fantasies, and writing all those songs and poems for your imaginary lover only to end up being someone's backup plan or second choice. You didn't get your heart broken way too many times only to end up being an option. You didn't move on from your past lovers and lost all these tears or fought your innermost desires and temptations only to end up with someone who doesn't make you feel loved or wanted. You didn't spend all these years learning to love yourself and make it on your own so you can end up with someone who doesn't choose you or make you a priority.

You don't deserve to be someone's backup plan no matter how much you love them or how much they mean to you. You don't deserve to be loved occasionally or be with someone who's only available when they want to be. It doesn't matter how much work you still need to do to become a better person, it doesn't matter how bad your previous experiences were, and it doesn't matter how great you think this person is, you don't deserve to be with someone who neglects you and convinces you that it's normal.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You have to be the bigger person.

You have to be the bigger person.

Learning how to be the bigger person was the way most of us were raised, but truthfully, it can be extremely toxic in some situations and with some people who cross the line and poison our lives. Being the bigger person doesn't work with everyone because we are better off without some people in our lives. Cutting ties with friends or partners who constantly disrespect you or bring constant drama and problems into your life is the only healthy thing to do, and being the bigger person in these situations will only draw in more toxicity and more unfavorable circumstances. It's important to be empathetic, kind, and forgiving in some cases, but you have to draw the line and set boundaries with people who don't have any or people who only make your life more difficult.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You can't quit.

You can't quit.

We live in a society that judges quitters negatively. We're always bombarded with motivational messages like "don't quit now, don't be a quitter, quitting is for losers ... etc." But sometimes quitting is the best and only option for you. I'm not saying don't fight hard for what you want and what you love, but when you no longer have the energy or the motivation or the desire to keep going, when whatever it is you're committed to is making it hard to wake up every morning and feel good about your life or yourself, it's okay to quit. It's okay to quit the job that makes you miserable. It's okay to quit that relationship that's been hurting you. It's okay to quit living in a city that sucks the life out of you. Depending on your situation, sometimes staying is more toxic than quitting.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You have to struggle to get what you want.

You have to struggle to get what you want.

This is something we were all programmed to believe, statements like "no pain, no gain" or "life is unfair" keep us stuck in struggle mode. This belief may sound good at first but the reality of it is toxic, because anything that comes easy to us makes us feel like we don't deserve it because we didn't work hard for it. This mentality stops us from dreaming big or following our hearts or our passion because we are conditioned to believe that we have to work hard and struggle to earn the life we want, and we often feel guilty if we are living a less busy or stressful life than our peers, so we try to fill our time with things that don't excite us just so we can go back home at the end of the day and feel productive. It's not a one size fits all for everyone, and if you are happy with the way your life is, even if you don't work too hard or you're not always swamped with things to do, then that's all that matters. How others view your life is not your problem. We need to start believing that good things can be easy and struggle free, and our dreams can be achieved without pain or struggle.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.