7 things I'd tell my younger self.

7 things I'd tell my younger self:

1. Travel alone. It's easier than you think.

2. Tell people how you feel. It will save you a lot of time.

3. Make mistakes. You're not going to regret most of them.

4. Sadness isn't forever.

5. Overthinking is not a waste of time. That's how you figure things out.

6. Listen more to yourself. Most people don't have the answers.

7. Be nice to people. It will come back to you.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

9 things I've learned in June.

9 things I've learned in June:

1. If you're unhappy, it's not worth it.

2. Stop waiting for others to be ready to live the life that you want. Do what you want to do, the rest will follow.

3. It's easy to want something you don't have. But when you have something and still want it, that's when you know it's real.

4. People will tell you all sorts of things. None of it will mean anything if they don't get it done.

5. If you know what's good for you, do that. It is as simple as that.

6. Stop going back to an experience you've already concluded isn't for you. "This time" won't be any different. Move on.

7. It's better to have things suck for awhile as you seek improvement, than to be stuck in a situation you don't want to be in anymore.

8. Have long conversations with people. You will look back and realize that some people make you feel good, and some you don't care at all. stay close to the people who make you feel good.

9. Not everything has to be super serious all the time. Have fun with your life before it's over.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

9 lessons you need to unlearn.

9 lessons you need to unlearn:

1. Unlearn the need to be good at everything you do. It is okay to suck at the things you enjoy.

2. Unlearn following the majority for answers. Most people don't know what they are doing anyway.

3. Unlearn having to be productive all the time. Your life is not a to-do list.

4. Unlearn being someone you're not. Other people's expectations of you is not your responsibility.

5. Unlearn the need to get along with everyone. You don't need a lot of friends, just a few right ones will do.

6. Unlearn doing everything yourself. Life is easier when you ask for help.

7. Unlearn having to win every argument. Lose the fight, not the relationship.

8. Unlearn trying to control everything. The best things happen when you least expect it.

9. Unlearn the need to be happy all the time. We all have sad days and it is equally important to take time to grieve.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

9 things I've learned after I let go.

9 things I've learned after I let go:

1. Things will suck immediately after. That's okay. It will take time for new things to enter your life.

2. A part of you will miss the old life. That feeling will fade when you find better things to surround yourself with.

3. You can't force things to stay. Enjoy the memories. Be glad that it happened, but you can't dwell on it.

4. Choose yourself first. If letting go helps you find your way back to yourself, it is worth it.

5. Letting go will help you to find peace. You've been carrying all this dead weight for so long. You don't need them anymore. Let yourself be free.

6. It will hurt for awhile, but you will be happier in the future. If you never let go, it will hurt forever.

7. If it's meant to be, it will come back. Sometimes people have to grow apart for awhile before they can grow together again.

8. Most of the fear is really just in your head. Once you let go, you will be able to see things for what they really are, and it's never as scary as you think.

9. It's already over. Stop holding on to what isn't there anymore.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

3 things to leave behind.

3 things to leave behind:

1. Leave behind situations you have outgrown. This is a natural process. If you force yourself to stay, you will end up feeling stuck.

2. Leave behind connections you no longer align with. People want different things and people grow apart in the process of seeking those things. Find the ones that align with you.

3. Leave behind energy that you do not want to reciprocate. Stop giving your energy to things that make you feel like shit.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

3 things life taught me.

3 things life taught me:

1. You are responsible for your own life. Whatever you want, you will have to work for it.

2. Money is not everything, but you will need to have enough to do what you want to do.

3. Try your best to be nice to everyone, but never let anyone take advantage of you.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

7 things I am thankful for.

7 things I am thankful for:

1. I am thankful for the people who showed me love when I wasn't very good at loving myself. Them accepting me was the start of me accepting myself.

2. I am thankful for the people who helped and taught me things when they didn't have anything to gain. They taught me graciousness and I would never have grown as much as I did without them.

3. I am thankful for the online community I have. People I do not know but are so supportive and encouraging. They accept me for me and what I have to say.

4. I am thankful for all the people I have met in my journey of self-discovery and self-love. People who showed me that I wasn't alone in my journey of wanting to leave. They inspired me to keep going.

5. I am thankful for all the opportunities I can see ahead of me. I know it can change my life if I could just follow through with it.

6. I am thankful that I am still alive, and I still have a long path ahead to move forward in.

7. I am thankful that the idea of the future still excites me. It gives me motivation every day to keep going.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Here's a quick check-in for June.

Here's a quick check-in for June:

1. We are now in the 6th month of the year. We said we would make 2023 a great year. Keep sticking through the things you said you would do. Don't fall off.

2. Stop trying to please other people. Work on your own priorities first. You can still be nice when you finish your to-do's and have some extra time.

3. Nothing is going to change if you sit around and wait. Get your ass up.

4. It's okay if you fall off sometimes. We are not perfect. Stop dwelling in the past. Now get back up.

5. Put away your phone. Stop picking up the next distraction. Go sit on your couch. Literally just for 10 minutes. Now think about where you are in life and where you want to be. Think about what you're doing and where you will be if you keep repeating what you are doing. What do you need? Do you need change or do you need consistency?

6. Do what is best for you and do your best at what you do. Repeat this in your head over and over again.

7. June is the 6th month of the year. We are on a mission to make 2023 a great year. Don't fall off.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

How to get better at something.

How to get better at something:

1. Embrace the fact that you are not good at the thing you want to be good at. Or at least, not yet.

2. Everyone starts from 0. To be good at something, you first need to start. And right here is a good place to start.

3. Stop comparing yourself to someone else's process. Maybe they are better than you. Maybe they are not. It literally does not matter. This race is yours and yours alone.

4. Start. But this time, actually start.

5. Keep doing what you know you gotta do. Keep doing what you know you gotta do. Keep doing what you know you gotta do.

6. Intensity is not important. Being good at something does not mean going from 0 to 100 very quickly.

7. Consistency is important. It does not matter how little or how much you do. It matters that you do it every day, or as often as you can.

8. The most important days are the days where you don't feel like doing it. It is easy to do something when you feel like doing it, but the days where you don't want to, and still do it because you know you need to, are the days that change everything. If you can still move forward even when everything around is holding you back, you will be unstoppable.

9. Keep doing what you know you gotta do.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I was a child when I wanted to leave.

I was a child when I wanted to leave. I always wanted to live anywhere in the world. I just wanted to get out of here.

Fifteen year old me couldn't do shit, didn't know shit. All I knew was that I didn't want to spend my life in this box. There is a big world out there and I want to see it.

The process feels like a long time when your day to day looks the same. Someday I will make it out. Life is not meant to be lived in one place.

Time takes time, and it's funny when I think about it sometimes how that one little idea you had when you were a kid becomes a part of you when you grow up permanently.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

We learn the best when we fuck up.

One thing I've noticed most older people don't realize is that it took them quite a few fuck ups before they knew better and learned how to be wise. But yet when they talk to someone younger, they say it in a way like listen to me because I know better than you.

Guidance. Not instructions. 

We learn the best when we fuck up. Allow younger people to fail, too. Life is not perfect. 

Support them. Guide them.

Don't force your wisdom down their throats.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

The conversations you have with the right people.

There are some things in life so beautiful that you can do over and over again without ever getting sick of it. Like that cup of coffee, you drink every morning without fail, or how fascinating it feels every time you see the sky turn into pretty colors, or the conversations you have with the right people. The people you can talk to about anything at any time and you just never seem to run out of things to talk about.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I know this sounds fake.

I know this sounds fake, but your life really can be whatever the heck you want it to be. It starts from eliminating the things you've been repeating but you don't even care about it anymore. Eliminate people you no longer want to hang out with. Eliminate eating foods that make you feel like shit after. Eliminate that job you've been wanting to quit for months. Start doing things that you've never done before. Otherwise, your life will never change. Try out your idea of making art and selling it on the internet. Book that flight ticket to the place you've always wanted to visit. Move to a new city. Sign up for a course. Reach out to that person you like, but talked yourself out of saying hi. It's all an accumulation of not doing the things you dislike and doing more little things that makes you excited. If you keep doing that, your life will slowly become what you want.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

This is the mistake you're making.

This is the mistake you're making. You're focusing too much on your backup plan and too little on what actually makes you happy. You're letting the opinion of others dictate your life when they are just supposed to be mere guidelines. You're giving in to your irrational fears. Things you know are simply not as scary as they seem, if you would just give yourself some time to think deeply and process them. At the end of the day, you've got one life. You can either spend it telling yourself to wait a little longer before you try out the things you have in mind, or you can actually go out and do your best to live it.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

On a search to find out what existing means.

People are too caught up with other people's problems, and too little attention spent on what gives them fulfillment.

If something inspires you, you would immediately know and you wouldn't have to tell yourself that. When you have to convince yourself that this is what you want, then you definitely know it's not what you actually want.

On a search to find out what existing means, it seems to me that there is no bigger purpose than simply enjoying the moment you're in.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Nothing makes sense and nothing has to.

Writing little pieces of notes helps to keep my sanity. 

Going through cycles of the people you love and the ones that love you, mismatched. It is the hardest thing to let go until you find the next thing that excites you, and in the end you finally can forget all about it.

I've been around the world and back, and it's funny how simplicity is still what I yearn for the most. Nothing makes sense and nothing has to, if you stop adding questions to your existence.

It is when you are most vulnerable that you learn everything about yourself. Too many people I know has found fake meaning, preaching about the lessons they learned while they avoid all the difficult questions.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

At least I'm no longer disappointed.

I remember the day I realized that I don't need anyone. I have myself and that is enough for me to make all the good I want happen for myself.

Disappointments come from expectations. I wondered for a long time if I was asking for too much, although the thought of that felt comical for someone who lived their entire life feeling like everything was missing.

The day I realized I don't need anyone, I exchanged disappointments for loneliness. I chased after what I want and achieved it all alone with no one to celebrate with.

But hey, at least I'm no longer disappointed.

I know life isn't meant for you to do it all on your own, but let me bask in it a little longer. I'd still very much rather take in this emptiness than have to ache anymore.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

There is always hope.

There is always hope. 

You just gotta find an opening 

that lets in enough light to see it.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I'm sitting in this odd in between of being loved and being broken.

You gotta be able to let yourself go.

People used to tell me that, and I think about it over the years that I have let it all go. I didn't get what I thought would come, but I did learn about all the parts and all the pieces. Now I tear myself down for fun so I could put it back together, and I'm not afraid of being broken anymore.

I'm sitting in this odd in between of being loved and being broken. If you sit in it long enough, you start to notice that there is a strange silence. I think what it means is peace; a nonchalant melancholic peace.

I don't want what I used to want anymore. I used to hold myself back; because I was afraid of growing too much, because outgrowing the people I love would mean that our path would stop aligning and in return I would love them less.

... but I've come to learn that the people you love never love you back and the ones that love you aren't really quite the same.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I remember being hurt for a long time.

I remember being hurt for a long time. Hoping for love to fill up those gaps until I realized that the people you love never love you back, and the ones that love you aren't really quite the same. I think I've given love enough tries to now know that I want it, but I don't need it. I used to hope for it even when I'm not seeking it. But nowadays, I think I've completely abolished it.

I remember all the times I've looked at someone and know that they love me, but deep down I feel nothing. I still don't know what it means.

I've filled up my lack of love with ambition and power. I know that one day I will have everything, except my deepest desires, and I don't know how to feel about that.

I used to be afraid of being alone, but now it doesn't bother me. I used to question everything, but now I know too much. You know you've seen enough when the hurt from different people starts to feel relatively the same.

I spent my whole life being disappointed by everyone around me, but mostly myself. I used to believe that I was sad and I think I really did grew up being sad. But sadness is subjective, it's mostly just peace to me now.

I think I finally figured out how to breathe within it.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

See, life has become too easy.

Life has become too easy and I am overwhelmed by the sheer possibilities of it. Things used to take me a year to complete. Nowadays I just need 2 weeks with sufficient motivation and the right amount of angst, I could get anything I want done.

I spend more time disassociated than I do trying to exist. Survival isn't really an issue anymore. When I have a problem, I just look at it and somehow that makes it smaller.

I try to wake up early and I do things that are good for me. I hope one day some of these things can make me happy. My highlight reels consist only of the little things. The best things don't mean anything, but they mean everything.

I am astonished at how most of my problems disappeared when I lost interest in it. Frankly speaking, I don't think there are many things nowadays I am interested in. I have never been more stimulated and I have never been more bored. I wonder what it says about your life. All you do is go from one distraction to another.

Never fulfilling.

Always moving.

I was lost before and I still am, except nowadays I don't really care about being found anymore.

Cheap rolling paper and permanent marker, I write messages to myself before I burn it to a crisp. Most days my mind is where I live in. The only color I think about is orange.

See, life has become too easy. I'm not supposed to have lived this much in my twenties. You could tell me to take things slower, but I never cared much for advices other than myself's.

Someday this will be a full circle moment, but for now this game is still addictive to me.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

As I got older, I realize I don't really panic anymore.

As I got older, I realize I don't really panic anymore.

I don't know if it's growth or just the increasing harshness of life I've had to deal with; and after awhile it kinda numbs you down and you just stop being affected by things, or maybe it's me finally finding peace amidst the chaos.

Well, there is a thin line between peace and disassociation. I honestly can't tell you which side I am on. Things don't really freak me out anymore. The bigger the dreams, the scarier they can be. They are ready to crumble down anytime, but I know they all eventually will come true if I set my mind to it.

Bad things, they happen all the same. Panicking doesn't change a thing, so I let them fuck me up. However, they choose to be and I know that I will get over it. Just like I always do.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

And you keep waiting for the next one to come along.

There is an abundance of opportunities, but you can't see it because you are too busy looking for something that doesn't exist. There is an abundance of opportunities so many to choose from.

You ask yourself, "Which are the ones guaranteed to work out?"

"You are not looking for much," you say. "All you want is something that can make you rich, successful, doesn't take much, and guaranteed to work."

What will it be?

There is an idea. You like the sound of it, but it's not perfect. Not good enough, so you keep waiting for the next one to come along.

... and you keep waiting for the next one to come along.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

The validation you are looking for only exists within yourself.

The validation you are looking for only exists within yourself, but you are searching for it from someone else. You don't know them and they don't know you. Why are you so concerned with what they think about you?

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You never know how far you can go until you give it a go.

You never know how far you can go until you give it a go.

People are not going to have the answers for you. No one knows yourself better than you do. You won't get it right on your first try, but it will get you there.

This is your shot in life.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

If I don't attract, I don't want it.

I've spent a long time waiting for people. I won't do that anymore. I won't wait for anyone anymore.

I've stopped seeking. I've stopped craving. I've lost interest in being excited, only to end up being disappointed every time. I'm over it. If I don't attract, I don't want it.

I've filled up my life with enough things such as distractions and ambitions. I've learned how to do it all on my own, so I don't need you if I don't want to.

I've done my waiting. Now I'm ready to live. I've reshuffled my cards  and now I've got a good hand and that is good enough for me.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Life is a twisted contradiction.

You are here,

but you wish to be there.

Life is a twisted contradiction

of getting to where you want to be

and wishing that

you are somewhere else again.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

You can't run away from yourself.

If you are fake, you will know.

If you pretend to be nice because you have secret intentions, you will know.

If you say things that are not true to inflate your impression, you will know.

If you are not who you say you are, you will know.

You can trick everyone in the world, but deep down, you will know that you are inauthentic. Your inauthenticity will eat at you. You will feel a need to watch your back over a problem that shouldn't even exist in the first place. Your inauthenticity will prevent you from making mistakes you need to make to learn from the process. You will never get to where you want to be because there is now a disconnection in your entire process.

Don't be fake. You can't run away from yourself.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

I could just talk to a wall for the rest of eternity.

The more people I meet, the more lost I am.

I used to know what I want, but now I've exceeded my expectations. The goal post of what's enough seems to move further away. I'm still in my twenties, but I don't feel a day younger than thirty.

Most people my age don't have the responsibilities I do,

and at the same time I still feel more free than anyone I know.

The more power I have, the less I want it.

Love is still a foreign concept. A desirability I might never get. Life is still playing this joke of how the people you love never love you back the same. And I can keep on writing about what I believe in.

Well, I could just talk to a wall for the rest of eternity,

and maybe one day it will say something back to me.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

If it's right, you will know.

If it's right, you will know. You will not question it all the time. If it's right, you will not be analyzing all the smallest details and overthinking on all the things you know don't matter. If it's right, you will not be looking for reasons trying to justify it. If it's right, you will be able to feel it. The thought of it should make your heart warm and not feed you anxiety. If it's right, you will not be staying up all night thinking about it. If it's right, you will not lose sleep over it.

If it's right, you will know. You will not be writing all these trying to make sense of it. 

If your overthinking has led you to this point, it probably isn't right.

and chances are ... you probably know that too.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.

Find people who make you feel alive.

Find people who make you feel alive. Find people who make you feel like there is more to life and dive with you to pursue it. Find people who make the mundane things seem less mundane. There can be joy in repetition because the people make it better. Find people who listen and answer with good intentions. Find people who would make the extra effort, and not just because it's in their best interest, but because they truly do give a shit. Find people who stay, and stay for them in return.

Sincerely yours,

Senjakala.